First of all, Celebrity Salon narrator Tomas O'Suilleabhain and the person who writes him his lines - that being Derek O'Connor - should be given some form of cash bonus immediately. Or at the very least be headhunted by RTE to take over from the people responsible for narrating Don't Tell The Bride (the winner of Father Ted's Lovely Gerrall competition currently lends her voice to the programme [true story], but really it’s the person penning her script who should be strung up by the knackers).

Why all the plaudits? Well the combined efforts of O'Connor and Tom (his surname's too rife with letters to get repeatedly correct at this hour of a Tuesday) resulted in me guffawing out loud last night - something which nobody in the room was expecting, least of all the cat. Without Tom and Derek's fastidious work, it would've just been yer man off Geordie Shore ("and MTV News for a bit") getting a heart waxed onto his chest by Nadia Forde. Thanks to them, it was yer man off Geordie Shore ("and MTV News for a bit") "with a heart on."

The rest of the accolades should go to the sad bastards who want to be on telly so much that they're willing to subject their nipples to untold torture at the hands of poorly applied wax strips and a feckless collection of cut price Kardashians. Glenda Gilson managed to dodge that segment of the show, instead striding in during the last five minutes of transmission, which is fair enough considering she's the only contestant with a bona fide full time job.

As for Dallas, I was spent after Celebrity Salon to be honest. Had to haul the bones off to bed to prepare for the 6.30am alarm. I've recorded it though - largely so I can watch it on fast forward while wailing about the future of television, and intermittently sobbing over rose-tinted shows from my youth being pillaged and flogged beyond reproach. Then again, I'm probably overreacting.

Did anyone subject themselves to it without the aid of the fast forward button? Your thoughts please?