The ultimate accomplice for a night on the tiles, a how-to guide.

When it comes to selecting someone to accompany you on a night out, it's important to remember that you're tying your fate and fortunes to this person. Do not enter into this lightly. Consider these five factors before you go anywhere or call anyone to head out on the tiles.

5. MONEY

We're in a recession. So the chances of you having Mr. or Mrs. Moneybags as a potential accomplice are slim. You want to make certain that it's not just a case of them turning up three hours late so as to save themselves a few shekels. No, you want somebody who'll be aware of the etiquette and not slink off to take a phonecall when it's their round. Alternatively, you don't want some tool that will drag you to insanely expensive, cocktail-and-1950's themed clubs that will cost you a mortgage downpayment to get within farting distance of the place.

'Here, Gatsby. It's your round. Up you get there.'

4. THE RIGHT MOOD

You don't want to be staring into your phone for half the night, praying that somebody or someone will call or text and make the night interesting. We're not saying they've got to be Gandalf Ganderson either. (Friends fan, you should know that one.) If you're just in the mood for a quiet one, pick someone you know who isn't going to want a mad one. We're not calling them boring; they're dependable. They know what they're about. They're the Rick Astley of accomplices. They'll never gonna let you down or give you up, for that matter.

'I don't like this place. Let's go to that underground-dubstep nightclub that's only open for twenty minutes half-way across town.'

3. LOCATION

Your bestest buddy may live ten or twenty miles away, but unless you've got wheels or they're driving, you're screwed. You need a buddy that's nearby and close to your preferred haunt. Too far away and it becomes an epic journey to get to them. Too near and it's like, "Oh, your face again. Wow. Cool." There needs to be sufficient distance that doesn't allow familiarity, and with it contempt, to set in. One bustrip, no longer than 15 minutes, is perfect. Or better yet, pick a central point and meet there. That way, you don't have to crash at theirs anymore than they have to crash at yours.

'Yeah, it's.. like, ten minutes from here. You've got access to a supersonic jet? It'll be ten minutes in that. Can you get here?'

2. MAGNETS

No, not those kind of magnets. Every group has one weirdo magnet. It's just a given. You're at a bar, you're doing your thing. Next minute, one of them is being clustered by some sweaty nutjob who's prattling on about their pet chincilla and how it reminds them of their first girlfriend. No, this is actually happened once. For real. It may provide fantastic conversation and merriment AFTER the event, but when it's happening, the cringe factor is too much. Your friend is there, probably trying to be polite and not tell the freak to feck off while they're describing - in precise detail - what they had for dinner. And then when said freak attempts to get the shift. OH GOD PLEASE NO.

1. JUDGE JUDY

You want a pal who, at the end of the night, will not judge you harshly for what has come before. You don't want an accomplice that will look upon your choice of that greasy, dodgy-as-hell stall for food. Likewise, they will not judge you for wanting food at 2AM, knowing full well that you've eaten before you left the house to begin the night. There's nothing worse than an accomplice giving you the stink-eye when you may be potentially be getting the shift. After all, it's every man / woman for themselves out there. If you get lucky, they can sort themselves out for getting home. If they get lucky, it's on you. The true strength of a buddy like this is to congratulate or commiserate you equally.

'I need to eat something fried and will cause me to question my life choices afterwards. You down?'