Choosing the perfect wing-man, a how-to guide.

Good evening Ireland and that’s an order. Have no plans? Read on…

Being single in modern Ireland is more like living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man or woman for themselves. It's depressing, you're surviving by your wits and there's tons of mutated freaks out there. That's why you need a bromance, or a ho-mance, if you will. That one person that can hold down conversation with whomever while you get the shift. Who'll go out of their way to convince people that you are, in fact, related to the nightclub owner and can hook everyone up with free booze and a trip to the VIP room. Everybody needs a wingman/wingwoman.

5. They've got to be able to chat with their friends.

You've been eyeing up that ride across the way for the entire night. It's all little looks, giggles and so on for the first part of the night until one of you plucks up the courage to actually go and talk to the other. So now there's the crossover phase. Your wingman is going to have to be in there, talking you up non-stop. Oh yeah, she's actually a Latin salsa dancer and knows Lady Gaga's tour manager personally. Didn't you know that? He's, like, bessie mates with Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad. You don't watch that? Oh my God, what's wrong with you... All while you're hopefully getting the shift.

4. They've got to be good-looking, but not THAT good-looking.

It's a touchy subject. Nobody likes bringing it up because either YOU are that person or your wingman is. Either way, you need to be strategic about things. The best way to do it is to put yourself with someone you consider of same attractiveness levels. There's no point bringing your cousin JP down from Abbeyleix just so you can feel better while his comb-over slowly drips with sweat in the club. That ploy has been done. Plus, JP's a weirdo. Nobody likes him. You want that Hall & Oates, Starsky & Hutch, Ab-Fab, Carrie & Samantha relationship with your wingman. One works off the other. Working together than working alone is always the best way.

"Who's your friend? They're really hot..."

3. Self-sufficiency.

If, by some Christmas miracle, you manage to actually score and you're halfway to their place, you need to know your wingman isn't going to be stuck out by your good fortune. In other words, they've got to be self-sufficient. Nobody wants to wake up to fifty texts asking where you are six hours ago.

2. They need to follow the story.

We may have covered it before, but it bears repeating. It's not lying so much as it is gentle fracturing of the truth. You ARE a professional rugby player. You played Jonah Lomu when you were a kid so well, it was like you're a pro. You did have a chat with Beyonce once. It was one-way and you were a hundred yards away from her along with 10,000 other people. But the connection was there. Your wingman needs to completely and without flinching, back you up on every story you tell.

1. If you strike out, they strike out.

Remember, it may be a post-apocalyptic wasteland of singledom, but dammit - you're in this fight together. So if you have no luck getting lucky, your buddy is damn-near honour bound to drop whatever he or she is doing and bring you somewhere that looks like it's a day or two away from the HSE shutting it down. And feed your garlic-cheese chips when you get there.

"Come on, you're not leaving with them... are you..?"