The BRITS. Woooooo. To check out the winners, make your way to Music News. Here, you'll also get an overly opinionated opinion piece about Cheryl Cole's performance, Liam Gallagher's buffoonery, and Peter Kay's marginal mediocrity. But first, to the dresses that were on display.

Lily Allen didn't spend all night in an ode to Myra Hindley wig and a nondescript mini dress (yes, she'd wisely taken the wig off that the press room stage) No, she tottered up the red carpet in this impressive rubber Chanel number, leaving the person who has clearly inspired her of late, Natasha Khan, looking a bit unkempt in comparison. Although she might have a cold, so we'll leave her off.

Kylie, who was there believe it or not, sported gothic inspired Dolce & Gabbana (with extra peekaboo crotch). Pixie Lott also went down the gothic route, as did Florence Welch - only after this unfortunate Zuhair Murad swatch made it up the red carpet, however... there's something missing. Like, I dunno, jewellery, a complimentary colour for her skin tone or, perhaps, bottoms. Florence has the legs to dazzle many an uber short offering, but she should perhaps keep to the floaty cape theme in future, this just looks like misplaced nudity.

Those who also fall into the TOO SHORT, TOO TIGHT, DOES NOTHING FOR YOU category include (quelle surprise) The Sugababes, Alesha Dixon, and possibly Alicia Keys, while Leona Lewis went overboard with the 'I'm so very EDGY, me' look. Leona, we know your music and thus what you represent. This is not you. Yourself and Leona Part II obviously got your gowns mixed up in the Cowell Clone dressing room.

Someone who 99% of the time falls into the EFFORT pile is one Lady GaGa. This time, however, she created this interesting illusion of her miniature arms emanating straight from her neck. She also, during her performance, managed to do the running man without her Philip Treacy 'My Little Pony Troll that got caught up in a doily' headpiece coming adrift. Speaking of her performance... I have to admit to finding it emotional and starkly brilliant (you can find it here in Jenny's roundup). From her stripped, heartfelt crooning to frenetically getting busy with a freestanding bastardised guitar/electro keyboard/Nano Challenge (that being the 21st century version of 1978's 'Simon') hybrid. I shall hold my head aloft and say, I may now be a convert. Less of the gicker flashing and more of that please. Although the chances of that happening are slim, with the likes of Geri Halliwell (AKA Greek Imp Goddess en route to the British Porn Awards) and Courtney 'I'm having staggering issues reading an autocue' Love commenting backstage that they wish GaGa had played something they knew (the latter had the nerve to play Telephone and Dance in The Dark). That was the very point, philistines, it wasn't about you.

Anway, lastly, I've brought it up before, but does T4's Jameela Jamil have a right ear missing or something? ALWAYS the same pose. As for the dress. Meh. And the shoes. Cringe. Elsewhere, Ronan Keating was in 'scary sashay' mode; Katherine Jenkins was (fittingly) in McQueen mode; Ke$ha was, as always, in 'bedraggled feather duster' mode; Holly Willoughby was in 'It's not Sunday so no boobs for you' mode; Jodie Kidd was in 'Would you look at the length of these' mode; La Roux was in atypical 'There's Something About Mary' mode; Daisy Coburn was in 'I swear I can hoosh my shoulders higher' zombie mode; Katie Melua was in 'Ode to several bikes in Bejing' mode; Calvin Harris was in 'Rats, I forgot my pineapple' mode; Edith Bowman was in 'perpetual yawn' mode; Jonathan Ross was in 'I'm scawring my kids!' mode; and Daniel Merriweather was in 'A*se to this jacket' mode.