Well, not inside inside, more half watching it from afar from the comfort of the couch wondering if WENN will have photos of inside the ceremony itself. Which they do. And they are here.
But first, to the red carpet. Thank you to you, Jessie J (in Vivienne Westwood, as was) Paloma Faith (we've had our issues in the past, but I've located a new found tolerance for her ever since she wore a ring depicting a miniature full breakfast on Nevermind the Buzzcocks), Sophie Ellis Bextor, Fearne Cotton (in Alice Temperly), surprisingly enough Katherine Jenkins (also in Westwood), and - at a stretch - Cheryl Cole (Stella McCartney) *ducks*. You provided a bit of much needed razzle dazzle to the red carpet. You were the head turners, irrespective as to whether your chosen garb (or exposed tattoo) was to everyone's taste.
The remainder of the offerings fell into three camps, those being 1: 'I'd Possibly Wear It But Not To An Award Cermony', 2: ' Sorry, But That's Kind of Cheap Looking', and 3: 'I'd Possibly Wear It But Only To a Sex Party'. Emma Willis, Caroline Flack, Kimberly Wyatt, Adele Adkins, Liz McClarnon, and Rumer all set up residence in camp number one. Temporary accommodation number two housed Sarah Cox, Laura Whitmore, Tess Daly, Professor Green's bird, Avril Lavigne, Heidi Range, Lisa Snowdon (the presence of Johnny Vaughn isn't helping), Annie Mac, Jo Whiley, and Jessica Wright. Finally, in the porn settlement number 3: Alesha Dixon, Caprice, Kayla Collins, Eliza Doolittle (would you believe it cost £2,000... it's by Mark Fast), Caroline Flack,Caroline Flack,Polly (toupee tape might be a goer for you) Rae, Preey Kalidas (let's not forget this angle), and these four harlots. Unnecessary, number 2. Really unnecessary. Oh, and there was one more camp called 'I Just Don't Like It'. It's lone occupent? Ellie Goulding, Goulding, Gou Gou Gou Gouuuulldiihiiing.
The blokes, as expected, were nondescript. Although "Lab. Labryinth. Where's Lab. I can't accept this speech withouth Lab *slience for far too long*" was notable in his attire. The Bieber was obviously having a teenage moment as nary a grin cacked his mask, then again, he was probably wondering why no one was showering him with confirmation money - or where the draft was coming from... Pepe Le Pew hired a suit for the evening; Will Young wore his customary bad pants (which weren't nearly as wrong as those cladding Robbie Williams' pins, but we'll get to that later); Chipmunk continued to advertise the size of his manhood; Keith Lemon further advanced his irradication of Leigh Francis; I wanted to fashion Alan Carr's blazer into a house pet which could be stroked without the added hazards of dribbling or it's claws snagging one's tights; while Tinie Tempah looked dapper as always.
Inside the awards themselves, Simon Le Bon rabbited on like a twat when presenting an award, while the delectable John Taylor looked embarrassed for the first time in his life. Cheryl Cole, in an attempt to add depth to her personality , announced Rihanna as her "girl crush" when delivering the winner's name for Best International Female. Rihanna did a Jive Bunny Megamix of hits, starting off in this and ending up in this, and bringin proceedings to a climax by jiggling herself about to 'Oh Na Na, What's My Name' (inspired by a conversation one would have with a senile grandmother of a Sunday?). We were promised something worth cracking off to, with the aid of scatter cushions, by host James Cordon, instead we got bashful camera angles that insisted on cutting her off from the hips down. It was well after 9pm, not exactly tea time of a Sunday evening, ITV, live a little.
Both Win Bulter and Plan B looked like they were about to suffer a coronary during their stirring performances, while I was almost willing something like that to happen during the stripped down set provided by Banjos for Posh People. Riot police, pyrotechnics, and dodgy pants featured heavily, as did Cee-Lo Green - just ask the back of Paloma's dress (half of it came adrift when he trod on it.)
For the full list of winners, visit Jenny's Music News. For arbitary Tweets from last night, click here. Pictures from the after parties (well, it's more people on pavements after the after parties) can be viewed here.
