If you've read Morrissey's recently-published novel 'List of the Lost', firstly - congratulations on getting to the end. That's quite an achievement.

Secondly, you'll be aware that there's a few cringeworthy descriptions of intimacy in there, too. Okay, more than a few. A lot.

So many, in fact, that the iconic musician was nominated for the 'Bad Sex in Fiction' award for references like 'his bulbous salutation' and 'her otherwise central zone' (use your imagination).

Now it's been revealed that the former Smiths singer has won the waggish prize, and although he did not attend the ceremony due to 'touring commitments', it's highly unlikely that he'd acknowledge it - considering he turned down an Honorary Patronage of Trinity College's Phil. Soc. earlier this year. 

In any case, it was lines like "Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, shouting and screaming" that bagged him the prize, which 400 people turned up to celebrate in London the other night.