In short, if you're female and over 30 you're essentially dead to the undulating mass of limbs that vote for X Factor contestants. But we'll get to Gary Barlow's rapidly dwindling group of aptly monikered 'Overs' in a jiffy. First a brief run down of who sang what on Saturday night. And it will be brief given everybody already knows Ella's going to win. Anyone who hits the Riperton dog whistle note in Loving You has to win...
Jahmene was first up and bang out Ain't No Mountain High Enough. Nicole could barely contain herself. I was too transfixed by the precision of his hairline to take in anything else. Verdict 6/10.
Chris (or as Dermot put it, 'Our very own Shakin' Stevens') crooning a song (Alone) he chose himself. So it was something suitably cabaret cruise cum 90s ballad. Even Gary knew it was pants. Why else would be bring 'the public's choice' into it. Verdict 4/10.
Union J (aka Same Direction) chirruped Leona Lewis's Bleedin' Love. 7/10. They get an extra point for being pretty.
Ella nailed one of the hardest songs to sing in existence 10/10.
James exorcised the usual amount of demons when singing Blige's No More Drama. Unfortunately there was more drama, however; an ambulance was called for James shortly afterwards when he started feeling unwell). Verdict 8/10.
Lucy clipped her way through Kanye's Gold Diggah. This week it was akin to Kate Nash doing George Formby. Verdict 5/10.
District 3 attempted I Swear. Nicole was right. They needed slathering in Baby Oil. Just enough to propel them out the door at speed. Verdict 4/10.
Jade banged out the inevitable ode to Winehouse, with Love is a Losing Game, and very nice it was too. As was her hair. She looked slick and will be around for a good while - or canned within the next two weeks much like Sophie Habibis last year. Verdict 7/10.
MK1 (which I'm assuming stands for Milton Keynes, 'cause they're that exciting) delivered a soulless rendition of I Want You Back. I just don't get them, is yer man meant to be repeat-ing arbitrary lines of the song completely out of tune. Then again, I'm about as urban as Louis Walsh. Verdict 4/10.
Kye (he's a chimney sweep in case you didn't know, and therefore has his own renewable source of Guyliner) came across with a weak mongrel puppy comprising of Rihanna's Love The Way You Lie and Dido's Thank You. Verdict 5/10.
Rylan. Oh, Rylan. To quote the Barlow "Rylan if is this a competition for how many songs you could kill in two minutes you would win." To recap, Rylan managed to squeeze in a saucy threeway between Groove Is In The Heart, Gangnam Style and Pump Up The Jam. Foreplay came in the form of Take That's Neeeeeeever Forget. Apparently all "videos of Rylan's performance have been banned" (but not really, see below) - largely due to copyright issues involving him changing Gangnam Style to Rylanstyle. I too assumed his performance was banned for the obvious… there were a herd of dancers in shoddy white wigs (half were meant to be Anna Wintour, the other half Karl Lagerfeld) and even "fashion pandas" for some reason. But all of that was inconsequential thanks to the contents of Ryaln's pants. What has boyfriend got stuffed down his crotchular region? It's as unnerving as it is hypnotic. Imagine if the trousers were white. And would you look at that; Rylan's performance got the most words. There's a shocker. Verdict 7/10 (consider me entertained).
Melanie wailed her hair off to INXS' Never Tear Us Apart, which only distracted slightly from the enormous white bell bottoms.Verdict 6/10. Too much arbitrary wailing.
On to last night's Results Show.
The judges walked out, with Tulisa's choice of all-encompassing Pucci dress making her look like she'd swaddled herself in a tribal throw she commandeered from Louis' dressing room.
We had recaps, another recap, and then a recap, before we were treated to Rebecca Ferguson dressed as a miniature chestnut pony being half-consumed by a yellow python. At least her choreography has improved - she managed to descend from a podium unaided. When asked who she was rooting for, she came across with the expected: "I think they're all amazin'. I lihke Elleeeegh"
We then had a few more recaps before they dressed Uncle Louis up like Timmy Mallet and forced his to showcase his swag *tumbleweeds*. Taylor Swift was then wheeled out to sing her latest single Never Getting Back Together - which wasn't nearly as bland as you'd think.
Then, finally, they gave us the result of Week Two's live show. James was called first, followed by Kate Formby, Union J, Ella, Spirit Level Hair Line, Shakin' Stevens, Milton Keynes 1, Jade, Rylan (cue the usual meltdown and Scherzinger molestation), and the Chimney Sweep... Leaving Melanie's bell bottoms and District3 in crow off.
So, who shafted one of Barlow's Overs this week? Tulisa. Apparently her heart was with District3, for some reason. F*ck knows why.
Nicole, the last one to judge, sent the vote to DEADLOCK 'cause they knew the homogenous boyband would bag the public vote over a woman in her 40s any day.
When you think about it, Mary Byrne did fantastically well to last as long as she did.