So no doubt when we all sat down to watch our weekly dose of Tubs and the gang, there was a collective sigh as we remembered, shit, tonight's Eurosong night - cue the yawnfest. At least we don't have to suffer through 12 weeks of You're a Star anymore though, right? We can get through this.
It all started fairly run of the mill, we were introduced to the judging panel of Louis Walsh, Linda Martin, Eoghan McDermott, and Maia Dunphy. Louis was his typical Louis self, along the lines of - I'm brilliant, plug's act, I know a lot about EVERYTHING, plug, plug plug. Linda was decked out to the nines and rearing to go, but nothing unusual really there. Eoghan was all with the - yeah I like Eurovision, but IT'S NOT THE MUSIC I normally listen to. That hair has a street cred to live up to, you know. And Maia down the end, well she was just happy to be there - no bullshit with that lady.
Things carried on accordingly, song 1 - blah, blah, blah. Song two however, was that little lad from X Factor a few years ago that we'd all forgotten about, Eoghan Quigg. He sang a cutesy-pie little song about everything being groovy, and all the judges gushed saying that's a contender. Really? I think it would have had us willingly banging our heads off walls and screaming incessantly if we had to hear that on repeat between now and May.
Kasey Smith then came along with song 3, and this one just smacked of Eurovision, with a couple of mad yokes doing some kind of wild Irish dancing in the background. And we all thought, yes, if this is what Europe wants, we'll give it to them. Sure we can even throw in a leprechaun in the background if they allow us to.
Song 4 then was pretty forgettable, so we won't focus too long on that. Poor fella really didn't have his best night tuning wise, and he seemed too cool for Eurovision anyways.
Look at him there now, sure you couldn't be taking that hat to Eurovision.
Then it happened. We met Billy from Aslan - and Billy was angry, nay, furious, that Louis Walsh was allowed on the panel. He would favour Eoghan Quigg because of his X Factor connections, he said. That Niall Horan lad tweeted his support for Eoghan, and this was all down to mastermind Louis, according to Billy. Voices were raised, tensions were high, until he finally remembered he should introduce his act. On followed a lovely Adele-like number by singer Laura O'Neill, that probably could have stood a good chance, if everyone hadn't missed it because they were talking/tweeting about what just happened.
After the song, we went back to the panel, and Linda was armed, she was ready for a fight. She looked at Billy in the audience, and said with great venom...
And then, well, shit got real people.....
Jerry Springer's got nothing on this. Honestly, have you ever seen the like? Outside of in a schoolyard? These are honest to God grown ups, what would the childers think? Eoghan Quigg was probably in a HAPE backstage with it all, God love him. All we needed was for Twink to show up, and I'm pretty sure Linda would have went full on Hulk on us. Poor Ryan didn't know what to be doing with himself.
We didn't think we could possibly take any more excitement, until Mr Eurovision himself Johnny Logan rocked up, but more importantly, those PANTS rocked up.
But then Johnny is no stranger to a shiny pair of pants...
Next up, we had the surreal 'Is this actually happening' moment of the show, when Ryan asked a member of the audience to come up and play charades. Yes - this happened.
Then came one of the genuine highlights of the night, Paul Harrington and Charlie McGettigan sang Rock and Roll kids, and we all sang along, remembered the good years, and for just a moment - we all felt protected in this crazy Eurosong world.
Here's the original from back in 1994, even a bit of the late Gerry Ryan in there at the start too.
It wasn't over yet though, a winner still had to actually be picked amongst all the madness. Ryan went to a jury from five different counties (just like the actual Eurovision folks) and numbers were tallied to see which act would get the dubious honour of coming last in this year's Eurovision. This should be easy we thought, come on now, we have beds to be going to. But no, a graphic error. A feckin graphic error. You had ONE job, graphics guy. It looked like both Eoghan Quigg's act and song 3 (the Eurovisiony one) were tied, but no, that wasn't the case. Song 3 was the winner with Kasey's Smith's Heartbeat - and Billy's whole argument no longer had a leg left to stand on.
Kasey took to the stage to perform, but unsurprisingly, her song was cut short and the credits rolled. Most likely because Ryan and half the crew had abandoned ship and were pouring themselves some large whiskey's back stage.
Meanwhile, the interweb was exploding....
Quite enjoying tweets from ireland about tonight's #latelate, knowing that something crazy happened, but not needing to know what it was.
— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) February 28, 2014
— Jack Murray (@mediamurray) February 28, 2014
Jaysus twitter is alive with #Eurosong antics. Didn't think anyone under 50 watched it.
— Catherine Keville (@CatKevi) March 1, 2014
— Dave O'Regan (@DaveORedFM) February 28, 2014
We'll leave it in the words of Ron Burgundy, which judge Eoghan McDermott tweeted after:
— Eoghan McDermott (@eoghanmcdermo) February 28, 2014