Simon Cowell can't split himself in two (he considered it, but didn't want the competition) to judge on both his X Factor shows, so he's doing the next best thing instead. He's begging Cheryl Cole to go return to X Factor UK. And you'll never guess who she's going to replace…

Don't be silly, it'll never be Louis, sure his reanimated corpse will be give pride of place before Cowell scraps him from the judging bill. On the upside, if they opt for a Louis droid after a while (you can only reanimate a corpse for so long) they could programme him to update his feedback soundbites. And it won't be Gary Barlow, everyone knows he's the only barely credible thing about the current judging line up (ITV knows that, shame Simon doesn't, what with a source saying: "Simon thinks he's very nice but who has Gary ever made into a star (um, himself). He didn't want him in the last series but there was no one better and ITV backed Gary.")

No, as ever, it has to be one of the females. If you put Tulisa beside Cheryl there would be a split in the very fabric of space and time. So that means Cheryl is replacing her clone, Tulisa.

The Sun reports: "The desperate music mogul met her at his Beverly Hills mansion and is determined to axe Tulisa Contostavlos to make way for the Girls Aloud star. Cheryl, 29, was left humiliated last year when Simon gave her place on the panel of the US version to former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger. But he now sees her as the saviour of the British show, which has lost an alarming 3million viewers this year. One Saturday night live programme saw ratings plummet to just 7.6million - compared to the 19.4million fans who watched Cheryl and Simon, 53, in the 2010 final. A source close to Simon last night told The Sun: 'He's desperate to get Cheryl back on X Factor UK because it's lost its way. The money on the table would be a fortune - at least double what she got last time. She could have what she wanted'."

It hasn't necessarily lost its way, Simon, the format is just jaded to bits at this point and no amount of interchangeable judges is going to change that. I don't want to have to tell you again.