It would seem that Tom Cruise's PR people have initiated a media blitz with the intention of persuading the general populace that he's actually a real human being and not some sort of vacuous smiling car-salesman who just happens to not sell cars for a living. On the back of the Cruiser's rather startling attack of Brooke Shields for having the nerve to even consider taking medication for postpartum depression (it was all in her head, said Top Gun), it was feared the Tom had alienated his female fans with his less than tempered diagnosis of Ms. Shields. So Tom's people have drawn together a list with the intention of making the Cruise® brand a little more digestible to female cinemagoers. These include:

1 - He is not allowed to talk about scientology. This is a no-brainer and should really have gone without saying. Picture Cruise on a red carpet promoting his latest film, joined at the hip to his wife and sporting a smile so broad that it seems to be escaping the very confines of his face. Okay Tom, so you say that Valkyrie is a good film, and it may very well be, but you also say that long ago an alien called Xenu was the leader of a galactic confederacy who brought billions of people to earth in spaceships, stacked them in volcanoes and detonated hydrogen bombs in them. So I'm not quite sure what to believe.

2 - He is not allowed to wear sunglasses on the red carpet. This is an attempt to portray Tom as a "man of the people". Because, as we all know, real people don't wear sunglasses. Why do his people want us to see his eyes so badly, what's that about?

3 - He is to appear on more women-friendly shows like The View, Ellen and Oprah. But he is not, repeat NOT, allowed to jump up on any of the furniture, sing, dance or allow his heart rate to exceed 90 beats per minute. Because, as we all know, this is when an Incredible Hulk-like transformation occurs in Tom and he starts talking about postpartum depression or, indeed, sings and dances about postpartum depression.

4 - There shall be no more man-handling of Katie Holmes, at least where people can see them. I have seen many a movie premiere where Cruise drags his wife around like some sort of extra appendage on the red carpet, dragging her from autograph hunter to autograph hunter. His people fear that this doesn't portray him in a very positive light and they want him to appear kinder and more gentle to his dear lady. Let's face it though, should she really complain? She's married to Maverick. That's just how he rolls.

-John Balfe