The year's most contrived day is coming upon us. We were planning on taking refuge behind closed doors until Sunday puts an end to itself. However, we have since received a random promotional email (we've a feeling it's a thinly veiled advertisement for Ultralase), which makes us want to launch ourselves at potential mates with the aid of a tape measure.

If you're looking for lurve, it's all in the eyes apparently: "Using eye reading techniques, (makey uppy profession alert) personologists Naomi Tickle and Richard Phelan have identified key indications that reveal true compatibility. They claim that it is possible to assess long term compatibility by the shape of partner's eyes, eyebrows and eyelids. By applying similar eye reading techniques to love birds Katy Perry and Russell Brand, it has been revealed that they are an ideal match. Their findings indicate that the newly engaged couple are likely to have a long-lasting partnership based on close genetic traits, including similar shaped eyes, eyebrows and noses (AKA rampant narcissism / borderline incestuism [Tickle and Phelan aren't the only people who can make up words you know]). In addition, both have low set eyebrows which flair upwards suggesting they are very friendly, both have narrow faces with protruding cheekbones, which shows that they love to travel, both have wide set eyes, which means they are tolerant while their deep set eyes and pointed noses indicate that they both have a serious side. Jon Hughes, a director of Ultralase, said: 'While the study is intended as a bit of fun, there has been much research conducted around personology. If you are showing off your eyes this Valentine’s, by ditching the glasses or contacts, as thousands of people will do as they seek to find their ideal match, then it makes sense to at least understand what we could unwittingly be communicating to people, no matter how subtle!'

Top things to look for this Valentine’s (assuming you've got bad eyesight... in which case, get yerselves lasered!)

1) Asymmetric wide set eyes: indicates commitment, loyalty and tolerance - someone who will stick with you despite your bad habits!
As seen on... Richard Branson, Elijah Wood

2) Close together eyes: indicates trust and discretion, a focus on detail - people with this trait do not like interruptions, if you're running late on a date phone ahead!
As seen on... Ant & Dec, Sarah Harding

3) Deep set eyes: indicates lots of emotional baggage and a serious personality - make sure you tread carefully!
As seen on... David Beckham, Cheryl Cole, Nicola Horlick

4) Large pupils: very emotional, need constant reassurance - so make sure you keep telling them how good they look!
As seen on... Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole, (the odd madourvit)

5) Covered eyelid: extremely analytical - be careful what you do or say as they may read heavily into it!
As soon on... David Beckham (?!?)

6) Outer Corner of Eye lower than the inner corner (here's where that tape measure might come in handy): extremely observant of the smallest of moves or expressions - careful what you’re trying to hide!
As seen on... Hugh Grant, Daniel Craig

7) Exposed eyelids - wants the bottom line - don't talk too much or they'll finish your sentences; impatient and when others are slower than themselves
As seen on... Jude Law, Ant, Sarah Harding 

So, Sarah Harding's an impatient pedant, Cheryl Cole is a needy inbred, Simon Cowell's "very emotional", and David Beckham is overly analytical? And these people expect us to trust them with a laser in close proximity to our corneas?! For now, I'll stick with the milk bottles, thanks *fumbles way to kitchen."