41-year-old Jason Martin was found guilty by a jury in Kent of biting his neighbour on the penis during an argument of the volume of Xbox music yesterday. Consider that as you will into GTA V this week.

Martin is said to have initially texted his neighbour 39-year-old Richard Henderson to turn the music down, but the argument quickly got out of hand and Henderson''s bit ended up in Martin''s toothless mouth after Martin found himself in a headlock courtesy of the only-wearing-pyjamas Henderson. Martin''s defense to the jury is quite a read. Per the Daily Mail:

He told the jury: ''I have only got a couple of teeth in the lower part of my mouth. I can’t even bite into a hard-boiled egg. I am not homosexual and there is no way I would put a man''s penis in my mouth. Even the thought of it makes me sick.''

He was asked to show the jury his lack of teeth, saying he had dentures but only used them ''for cosmetic reasons''. He added: ''I accept that I did grab his testicles, not maliciously or to hurt him badly.''

He said he went to the neighbour’s flat because he thought the complaint was unfair and was grabbed by Mr Henderson, who then tried to ram his head into a metal staircase. Martin broke down in the witness box during his trial and wept after admitting he had told police officers: ''I have not done anything to him''

He said: ''I had just grabbed around Mr Henderson. I didn’t realise at the time that I had done anything to him. It was just a rat bite. I just grabbed into an area. I didn’t realise at the time it was his testicles.''

Judge Adele Williams asked: ''You must have felt his penis and testicles in your hand?''

Martin replied: ''I didn’t know if it was his penis or his testicles or his upper leg or arm. I didn’t know what it was. I was just getting beaten up and I was scared.''

And this is why you never get into a row with Shane McGowan.