OK, where to start... why start at all?!! But I'm afraid we must. Contractually obliged, you see... That and the papers really aren't giving coverage to much else these days. I'll keep it brief.

*Louis is saying he's going to have to move Mary into a hotel 'cause the youngsters are too noisy in the X Factor house.

*Cher's face is front page news on The Sun's website cause she's had a bit of an acne outbreak. It must be all the hormones (or an allergic reaction to the plum hair dye Cheryl's enforced on all her acts - bar Katie, AKA Roots Manuva) surging through her teeny body given she's reportedly hurling herself between Harry and Liam. She's doing nothing to diffuse these rumours as they're garnering her press coverage. In other dangerously emaciated news: she's not rapping this week, hurrah, and she verbally abused some fans outside the rehearsal studios yesterday: "Onlookers told how she pushed people and yelled: 'Get out of my way, you're crushing me' as she was mobbed by autograph-hunters. The stick-thin star's face turned 'crimson with rage' according to a witness. One said: 'Cher was being bang out of order, acting like a total diva. She just pushed her way through the crowd and screamed obscenities at everyone. No one was being threatening, they were just pleased to see her'... Cher later told a minder: 'That was really scary. I hope they don't think I'm a diva but it was really frightening'".

*Still with us? Fabulous. Nadine Coyle has said she won't perform as an interlude act on X Factor cause she'd have to mime. Like Cheryl. "I'm not doing Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor for this campaign. I only want to do live shows. What happens with TV shows is you can't always do things live. You can't really get the full effect and with 'Insatiable' being such a big (rubbish) song and because I'm just starting off, I want it to be all about doing stuff live." She then went on to say the judges are mean: "I love the live shows when they're on and all singing great but I hate it when the judges say bad things about their singing. I feel sick because I feel it is mean because I've done the reality TV thing so I have such strong memories of what it feels like..." Nadine has since said the press have "twisted" her words. She should be happy that they're trying to make her sound interesting.

*Cheryl had some simpering words about how Simon is basically her universe, which bored me more than the interview she did with the Guardian over the weekend, so we'll ignore them and move straight to some quotes from Dannii: "We are all theatrical darling, and when we get worked up on stage things come out. This series is the most intense thing I have ever done. I can't keep up with all the arguments we are supposed to be having."

*Indeed. Imagine the pre-show briefs: "Right, Louis, just jig up and down shouting variations of 'I think you're great, you've arrived, you're an entertainer, I'm a judge you're not a judge', and so on. Can the rest of you pick on him throughout? Super. Now, Cheryl, you're going to have to disagree with at least one thing Simon says otherwise they'll think you're his puppet. Simon, can you reinfoce the no puppet theme by reiterating 'I'm not a puppet master' at various points throughout the show." Dannii, you can continue speaking the odd bit of sense for the less dedicated viewers, otherwise they'll feel totally alienated. Other than that, can each of you mock each other's apperance at least once, question each other's mentoring abilities at least twice; and can all of you give Konnie Huq some sh*t on the Xtra Factor later cause she's rubbish and we want her to leave of her own accord. Dermot, great job last week, your segment with her was particularly painful. Take a bow on your way out. OK now places everyone, places!!!"

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