The Ultimate Weekend Checklist For The Prepared Man

Another weekend is fast approaching, lads, and there's high hopes of banter, memorable moments as well as, of course, getting the score. As with everything, preparation is the key, the age old saying 'fail to prepare then prepare to fail' stays true here, so read carefully as we present the ultimate checklist for the male aspiring to have a great time this weekend:

A GOOD MEAL

All great nights start off with a good meal, where else are you going to get the energy you need to be an absolute right laugh.

Remember to lay off the garlic and onions, just in case you get the shift. And, if you're in a rush, make sure that you at least make time for a bowl of cereal.

IRON THE SHIRT

It'll only take you 2 or 3 minutes, and the price you'll pay in time and general annoyance will be heavily outweighed by how smashing you'll look with your lovely ironed shirt.

If you're a real pro, and you don't have an ironing board, you can always try to iron the clothes while they're on your body. Take caution, however, as this is extremely idiotic and probably won't work anyway.

FIND THE SMELL

That smell you've been ignoring for the past week; yeah, you need to go and find that because mixed with the collective remnants of every fart you've let since you last gave your room a thorough cleaning 2 months ago is a curious scent that's not only sour, but has now developed a texture.

Open a window, and if you have an 'aul scented candle or a bit of incense lying around, use them, for f**k sake.

SHOWER TIME

Make sure to enjoy shower time, as the shower not only washes you but it also serves a function in mentally preparing you for the night ahead:

Sing your heart out, lads. Expose that inner Tom Jones to the world.

'It's not unusual to be loved by anyone,

'It's not un-yuuu-sual to have fun with any-waaaw-huun'

And, if you don't know any songs, just make one up.

MUSIC AND THE POST-SHOWER DANCE

Out of the shower and into your room, the first thing you need to do is throw on some tunes.

The best post-shower music for me is definitely a bit of James Brown, Parliament or Kool And The Gang.

To get into the dancing mood, watch one of these bad boys below; Soul trains are the best trains:

Then burst out a few of your own atrocious moves:

Nothing better than a cheeky bedroom dance to get your head in the game.

THE GOOD JOCKS

Many a rookie has made the mistake of overlooking the importance of sticking on a pair of good jocks before a night out. Not only will they make you feel good on the inside, but, if you do manage to pull, they're a bit more pleasing on the eye than a pair of these yokes below:

Think more along the lines of these boxers below; because if you do find yourself in a predicament where you're stripped down to your cacks and you need to leg it away from something/someone, at least you'll look a bit more like David Beckham than you would in a pair of grandad pants.

DON'T FORGET THE BATHROOM

The Bathroom needs a going over as well, lads. At the very least, give it a quick spray of air freshener, and if you don't have air freshener, a can of deodorant will do a sub-standard job, but a job nonetheless. God forbid, you bring someone back and the bathroom stinks to the high heavens.

Give those armpits a quick dart while you're at it (of deodorant, now, not air freshener).

BRUSH THE TEETH

In the final stretch now. A quick scuab of the fiacla and you're almost ready to go. Take a swig of CB12 mouth-wash as it will keep your breath in tip top shape for up to 12 hours, so you'll be well protected from ungodly odors for the of rest night, and even into the next day.

Bad Breath; Come at me bro.

COLOGNE

The final piece of the puzzle. A quick spray from the fancy stuff your Ma got you for Christmas will have you smelling like George Clooney, and then it's off out the door.

There's a way to do it, though, guys:

Step 1: The Wrists

Step 2: The Neck

Step 3: The Spray and Walk

'Tis all about confidence, lads, and by ticking off all the boxes, not only will you be looking great, smelling great, AND feeling great, but that confidence will be practically beaming.

Trust me. You're 'pretty much' guaranteed to have a good night.

Pretty much.