Everybody's banging on about Monday night's Costume Institute Gala at the MET in NYC. In short, it's a wanktacular event which sees a load of outrageously rich people pour their frames into bespoke creations for an evening. From Kanye West's scary girlfriend, to a feverish Posh Spice (she peeled herself out of her sick bed as she promised Marc Jacobs she'd trot up the red carpet in a curtain he modified for her), everyone did themselves proud...

Well, not everyone. Heidi Klum looked like she was being birthed by a planet of material, while it seemed Rihanna was blasted onto the red carpet by the power of her shoulder pads. And, is it me, or do her feet resemble rockets? Then there were those who swaddled themselves in ill-fitting sheaths (Jessica, WHERE did it all go wrong, Jessica?! You look like you're bashfully sidling up to a particularly snooty shop assistant in Monsoon to ask for another size, not attending a red carpet toss fest) and then those who left little to the imagination (Blake, put it away). Then there were those who just got it wrong, namely Hilary Swank; Rachel Weiss; Rosario Dawson (it looks like part of a colon), Mary Kate 'Corpse Bride' Olsen; and Justin Timberlake's glasses.

And then there was... Madonna. Hang on, wait 'til you see the back (that's Jesus with her. Any male within a 20 year radius of her age would not tolerate being photographed with such a visual atrocity). I get the feeling Lady GaGa is missing one of her hair accessories. And she's quite miffed about it too; it's the one she trained to perform shadow puppetry at parties. She'd only just taught it how to portray an obese Bugs Bunny, 'n everything.
I shall now pass my keyboard to Mercy's biological father, James Kambewa: "I cannot imagine how this woman can want to be the mother of my Mercy. This can't be a woman of 50. A teenage woman would feel ashamed in that gear. A woman is supposed to be a role model for her daughters. What morals can a woman of 50 have, who has no qualms in showing her delicate parts and displaying herself like that in front of her children? I don't want my daughter anywhere near such a moral-less person."

Fair point, James. It might have more weight if you'd actually been near your daughter yourself, though. In fact, one might even say you weren't aware Mercy's existence until Madonna rolled into town demanding a child.