Everybody else who attended the - wait for it - Schiaparelli and Prada 'Impossible Conversations' Costume Institute Gala at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City last night, managed to keep things under wraps. Apart from a certain designer... You see, at the MET ball, it's customary for a designer/photographer to be pictured with someone pretty while en route of the steps. Here we have Michael Kors with Hilary Swank, Tom Ford and Chanel Iman's left breast, Zac Posen with Amber Heard, Mario Testino with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley... and then we have Mila Jovovich edging way from Marc Jacobs. At least he wore shorts. He could've worn a flesh coloured leotard like Beyonce.
There were few other red carpet faux pas. A few people tried to pull off an Angelina (Liv Tyler, Gisele Bundchen, Rihanna in unusually coy form) but it's already been done, you know.
We also had some capes thrown into the mix, such as Lana Del Ray and Bianca Brandolini D'Adda. They didn't remove them to show off the guna's proper which was slightly annoying. Take Florence Welch for example. I spent a good five minutes panning through her photos going - 'Christ, you can't just look like a giant toilet roll holder, take off the cape!' That was until I realised tier number three is in fact sleeves. At least this seemed to amuse Cate Blanchett greatly, who spend some time trying to navigate around her on the red carpet.
Everyone did themselves proud, really. It would be easier to just point out those who instilled a slightly furrowed brow, or a momentary head cock. And they are the following:
Heidi Klum: Has a serious attack of the inadvertent frumps. Perhaps the bodice is too high.
Kristen Bell: Your dress appears to be throttling you.
Emma Stone: Bit bare around the neck. But even if there was a necklace, there'd still be something amiss.
Scarlett Johansson: Either the hair should be up, or there's too much tulle, or too many beads. Or all of the aforementioned.
Cameron Diaz: Lacking in the curve department for this dress
Gwyneth Paltrow: Bit Jane Jetson McSideboob
Kirsten Dunst: She obviously pulls off the look, shame it didn't fit her that smidge better.
Carey Mulligan: It works, but a bit on the scaly side.
January Jones: Your dress is giving me evils. That or it's really stoned.
Elizabeth Banks: Choose a line, and a pattern, and stick with it.
Karolina Kurkova: Also needs to learn that less is more.
Jessica Biel: Either the hem was tacked up hastily, or looks like it was tacked up hastily. Although the arse on it is magnificent (overlook the bunching at the top, her arse is all she has!). And she also came wearing Justin Timberlake.
Kristen Stewart: Best Dressed Woman my arse.
Also in attendance: Lea Michele, Jessica Alba, Sofia Vergara, Leighton Meester, Emma Roberts, Kate Bosworth, Amy Adams, Leighton Meester, Camilla Belle, Solange Knowles, Rosario Dawson, Dakota Fanning, Nina Dobrev, Kanye West sans Kim Kardashian (Beyonce said she wouldn't turn up if she did. Possibly), Rashida Jones, Doutzen Kroes, Ashley Greene, Paula Patton, Candice Swanpoel, Amber Valetta, Jessica Stam, Dianna Agron, Jamie King, Brooke Shields' cane, Poppy Delevigne, Renee Zellweger, Mick Jagger and L'Wren Scott, Marion Cotillard, Alicia Keys, Daniel Radcliffe, Victoria Justice, Gary Oldman, Leslie Mann...