The only person cursing more than Will and Niamh during last night's Apprentice was my other half. "This is f***ing embarrassing. They have absolutely no f***ing imagination and are destined for middle management. GOD it's so f***ing frustrating! They've only been picked cause they're eejits, it's just for telly. Dozy ****s." I was shocked and a little hurt. This means he hasn't really been paying attention to my tirades around 9.30pm of a Monday evening for the last five weeks.
This week, Elev8 and Fusion had to bumble their respective ways through making a thoroughly unimaginative calendar celebrating the new Ford Fiesta. Instead of being greeted with the sight of Michelle Heaton snotting herself when yanking a satin sheet off the car in a nightclub, we were presented with a car upon a podium at two of Ireland's music festivals - Castlepalooza and some vacant field in Athlone. Indeed, the PR types in Ford motors believe the marriage between a high-speed moving vehicle and a load of madourvits is marketing gold, so much so they've named the palaver Fiestaval.
Sarah, the Barbie blonde who made for mind-numbing TV at best was chosen over Michelle to PM Elev8 (this rubbed the latter up no end, probably because the two have reported scrapped behind the scenes. In fact, just before they came to blows, Barry allegedly jumped between them. Killjoy). Jamie, meanwhile, was chosen to lead Fusion.
As far as the task itself went; Elev8's Michelle, Tara and Nagiate (or 'Negate', as she will be known from here on in) herded themselves and their skinny jeans off to Castlepalooza and proceeded to take photographs (well, Negate took the photos; Michelle pointed at things and Tara stood around with a clipboard) of anything bar the car which they were trying to promote. When Sarah repeatedly asked them to send over photos including the car, she was met with responses such as "These shots aren't possible to get" (Negate) and "Well, tell her she needs to think of six shots then" (Michelle). Um, OK, why not some scantily clad sort sprawled across the bonnet; someone sunbathing on the roof; two people frolicking on the front seat; jeez - the car was already sporting a pair of oversized novelty headphones - what more did they need?! Instead they went with photos including a security guard standing in a doorway.
Fusion's Jamie, Ciara and Barry meanwhile had to make do with a field populated with stewards, the odd Guard, a tent, and a bouncy slide. All it was missing was a spinning cat. Oh, and punters. To quote Jamie, there were about 37 people there. Despite this, Barry rolled up his sleeves (namely to show off his tattoo collection) and ordered the paltry few present to jump around. They even managed to coerce a sixteen-year-old to have his stupendously sucked in stomach painted blue by Ciara (an act which is probably illegal in several parts of the world), you know, to portray the car's sterling paintwork. Barry even allowed one of his teeth to be coloured blue by permanent marker to signify the car's blue tooth system. Hey, at least they were trying to engage their imagination in some guise.
Back at their respective hotels, we had Fusion's Will and Niamh trying to download the few pictures coming through, turning the air blue in the process, while Elev8's Dave set about getting the Fiestaval Facebook page address wrong; Panos sat motionless due to neck crick and resulting overconsumption of painkillers; and Sarah kept repeating "Nagiate, Nagiate... Nagiate, I only want to talk to one person per phone conversation. Nagiate. Nagiate. Nagiate... can you go somewhere a little quiter?" into a mobile.
The result? Will and Niamh didn't manage to download a photo for December leaving Fusion with an 11 month calendar to present to Ford Motors. This would've been catastrophic for anyone else bar bullskitter artist Jamie; he managed to twist the scenario into the land of oppertunity - "America". During the pitch, he said the blank page of December was a chance for Ford's Facebook Fans to come across with their picture of the "ultimate party moment" - involving a car... As it happened, Elev8's offering of a calendar with no logos anywhere, no shots of the car and an incorrect Facebook address was less alluring than an 11 month calendar, rendering Fusion the winners (for the first time in about four weeks).
Despite getting a tongue lashing from Michelle (stop it), Sarah brought back in Dave and Nagiete into the boardroom. In the end, it was Sarah who got her marching orders as she, as PM, had signed off on a project that, in Bill's book, was bin bound. She was also given her marching orders as, unbelievably, she made for yet more boring viewing than Dave 'I lost two vans in one day!' Cashman and someone who spent more time on her eyeliner than trying to fulfill a brief.
In other Apprentice themed news; Anton Savage managed to wear a half-decent suit when hosting You're Fired from the "Wright" venue last night. He even went to the trouble of doing his hair. Not bad going six weeks into a job.
WEEK FOUR (yep, I missed week five for various reasons. Caroline went. Meh.).
