Today's top story hot off the tabloid presses, folks - Simon Cowell likes baths. In fact, he likes them so much he often wanders off during a recording of Britain's Got Talent to lather himself up.
It feels very wrong typing out this tripe when there's currently a bloke called Eamonn being rescued by a fleet of firemen and Gardai from the roof a couple of doors down from EI Towers. Sloping down our street to the sight of a flashing fire engine and a few squad cars at 8am this morning, I feared the worse.
"What's going on, officer?"
"There's a man on the roof"
"No, it's OK, he woke up up there and now he wants to come down."
*shouts* "Don't worry, Eamonn, we're just waiting for a longer ladder!"
Eamonn: "That's OK, I'll do whatever you tell me to dooo!"
"How did he get up there?"
"He doesn't know, he woke up there."
"Did he ring you?"
"No, the Guards did."
I was tempted to stay out there, peering skyward, but I figured Eamonn wouldn't appreciate an audience. That and the fireman was beginning to tire of my questions. According to one of the ground floor tenants, Eamonn had starting flinging bits of cardboard and other small contents at his disposal off the roof to get people's attention. That's when the guards got involved. In short, Eamonn was incredibly lucky it wasn't as cold as predicted last night.
Back to Simon's bath time (see, not nearly as interesting). He's left the likes of Ant 'n Dec waiting for nearly two hours while he enjoys lolling about in his own filth. The Sun reports: "Hosts Ant and Dec - and judges David Walliams and Alesha Dixon - were all on time for the 2pm show in Cardiff on Saturday but Simon was late. At 4pm Dec wrote to his followers on Twitter saying: 'If you're outside in the Q in Cardiff, tweet @SimonCowell and tell him to hurry up!! A source said: Simon's a law unto himself. He never gets up before noon and is happy work-ing late at night. The problem is the thousands of people who turned up for the show - as well as Ant and Dec and his fellow judges David and Alesha - were on time. They had to sit twiddling their thumbs for a couple of hours while he pampered himself in his suite'."
Someone else, probably masquerading as Simon's soap dispenser, said: "It's not uncommon for Simon to get up and go for a bath during the show. He comes back smelling really lemony."
And that brings an end to your random story of a Tuesday morning... and before you get your cynic hat on, it wasn't a PR stunt for Man on a Ledge.