As we reach the end of Valentine's weekend, those of us who spent it alone are finally glad to see the back of this truly awful annual event.
So, what better way to say good riddance for another year by counting down the food we probably ate to try and numb the feeling of crushing loneliness this weekend?
7. FINDING THAT FILM YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IN AGES BEING ON TV / NETFLIX
Think of it like this. If you had someone, you'd have to spend time with them, talk to them and care about what they have to say. When you're single, you don't have to do any of those things. And when Blade Runner or Ever After comes on TV, you're able to watch it uninterrupted. Why, you can even have a Cheers marathon and nobody can stop you. That's real happiness.
6. REALLY, REALLY GOOD PIZZA
Much like sex, there's no such thing as bad pizza. There's disappointing pizza, pizza that you'll regret and never admit to having with anyone for fear that they'll see said pizza and judge you and even the kind of pizza that you see in the morning and think, "I need to reevaluate my life." But it's still pizza. And that's always something. Good pizza, on the other hand, is the kind that stays with you for days. You're out walking, doing your thing and it hits you. That slice of pizza from the other night. Jesus, that was really something. Your mind drifts as your mouth salivates at the thought of it. All of a sudden, you've forgotten what you were doing and you find yourself outside a pizzeria at four in the morning, screaming the place down and begging for forgiveness.
5. STEAK AND CHIPS
Steak and a plate of chips will never tell you that you're not connecting with them on an emotional level. They don't care who your friends are and how you spend your free time.
4. CHINESE FOOD, JUST ALL OF IT
If we could marry Sweet & Sour Chicken and Spring Rolls and live happily ever after, we totally would. But we'd probably end up cheating on it with Black Bean or Kung Pow. And we can't do that. So let's just have a polyamorous relationship instead. It'll be weird, at first, but we'll all learn to accept it, right? We're still talking about food here.
3. A REALLY COMFORTABLE PAIR OF SOCKS
Don't knock it until you've tried it. Walking around with a new, fresh pair of socks can be a liberating experience and everyone's wondering why you've got that coy smile on your face. It's the socks.
2. PEOPLE CANCELLING ON YOU WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE
Is there no greater feeling in the world than this? The answer is no. No, there isn't.
"Oh, it's fine, don't worry. We'll do it some other time!"
1. HAVING MORE MONEY TO SPEND ON YOURSELF THAN SOMEONE ELSE
Money can't buy happiness. It is happiness. Yes, we robbed that from 30 Rock.
This is you checking your ATM balance on Monday because you didn't have to spend on money on restaurants / expensive lingerie / whatever.