Sarah Leal obviously didn't get the $250k she requested from Ashton Kutcher for her silence, so here be the grubby details. Grab yer popcorn and a cup of tea, you might be here for a while.

The 22-year-old, who "claims" to have slept with Kutcher has alleged that they ended up in bed after a naked soak in the hot tub. Administrative assistant Leal says that she had sex with the Two And A Half Men star after a party at his suite in San Diego's Hard Rock Hotel - the weekend of his six-year wedding anniversary to wife Demi Moore. Which we all pretty much knew about already. Grubby details please.

OK. Talking to Us Weekly, she claimed that Kutcher, 'just came up and kissed me', before Leal, Kutcher and - ooooh - another young woman ended up naked in the hot tub. "I didn't think it was out of the ordinary. I wasn't self-conscious about getting naked." Of course you weren't. You're 22.

In her version of events, Kutcher told her that he was 'separated' from Moore, before he took her to his bedroom at around 6am for unprotected sex. Demi will be thrilled. "He lost his towel and I took my robe off," Leal claimed. "Then we had sex. He was good. It wasn't weird or perverted." That's nice, apart from the unprotected bit, you've no idea where he's been - apart from the obvious.

She then reckons that they chatted about everything from astrology and politics through to love and religion. "I told him I was a Lutheran from Texas. He said, 'Oh my gosh! Are you a Republican?' (immediately regretting the unprotected sex, undboutedly). He laughed at pretty much everything I said (I bet he did). He was like, 'I enjoy things like this because I'm an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake. It's nice to have moments that are real." With a 22-year-old blonde bird you just met in a Hard Rock Hotel hot tub after a night out clubbing in San Diego on what would've been your 6th wedding anniversary.

Since these entirely believable accusations, Moore and Kutcher are believed to have gone on a Kabbala camping trip. Which sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Ashton, I know it might seem like it at times, but she's not your ma, grow a set and cut her free. Or perhaps yourself and Demi have an "arrangement". In which case, just be a bit covert and less of a cliche... Then again, it won't do your Two And a Half Men persona any harm... So, basically, this is all just a PR stunt.