Who would've thought Earthworm Jim in a suit could put the willies up Brian Cowen? Especially given said dashingly attired worm (I believe he changed suits after these dodgy press shots. I mean, doesn't he look at ease with his desk corner here? And not at all washed out here?) was arguable a quivering thing, stumbling over his words when he first lurched on stage. But he did prove that earthworms are adaptable sorts, who probe insistently, furrowing through a load of muck until they get what they want.
Tubridy had a gaggle of guests to plough through on his debut show (those assigned the later time slots appear to have been added to the line up in the event the Taoiseach "couldn't make it"). In fact, it's fair to say the show's running order didn't know whether it was coming or going, peaking FAR too soon into the proceedings. Here is a run down of Friday night's events:
Guest 1 - Brian Cowen: If Ryan didn't impale this interview on a large nail, he would've lost the questionable respect of the viewing audience within the first few minutes of airing. Thankfully, with questions like "How does it feet to be the least popular Taoiseach of all time"; "Where have you been?"; "So, you're taking the blame for what you did wrong... what did you do wrong"; "Can you tell me, Taoiseach, how are you going to stop a bill for €9,616 on car hire while attending the Cannes Film Festival?"; "Do you ever envy Bertie Ahern's sense of timing"; and (a personal favourite) "You're being very frank and forthcoming this evening, it's refreshing and I think we'd like to see more of it as people… tell me, do you drink too much?" Did Cowen answer any of these questions in a forthright manner? I've no idea; once he starts talking his jowls send me into a hypnotic trance (not that Cowen had much of a chance to go into a particularly lengthy, meandering "answer", such was Tubridy's speed of delivery). To see someone actually asking the right questions was a joy in itself. The question of Lisbon didn't quite get enough airtime (although Ryan did say that was for another show), but it might have been worth pointing out that if the Taoiseach is gunning for a Yes vote, perhaps it'd be wise to leave the campaigning to the other parties (sadly most folk will see Fianna Fail on a campaign poster and feel compelled to vote the opposite). Another question which was glaringly absent was the one concerning the grossly ostentatious salaries of TDs. But, when you think about it, few braodcasters in RTE would ask that question.
Guest 2 - Sharon Corr: The one who plays the fiddle has launched a solo career. This involves an increased level of singing. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be her strong point. On the upside, at least she made a stab at crowing live. After a painfully catchy song, Ryan ambled up and said "You're remarkably Corrless… we'll talk about Jim in a minute" at which point Sharon turned away, exclaiming "Do we have to?" Anyone who's had the dubious fortune of stumbling across Jim Corr's website can sample Sharon's pain. The man has far too much time/money on his mitts at present. Ryan and Sharon then talked briefly about Andrea's recent nuptials. Tubridy asked something along the lines of, did she do the usual bride thing and make you look horrific or beautiful, to which Sharon replied: "She decided she wanted us to look beautiful". A picture was then flashed onscreen of Sharon and the one who plays the drums dressed as bridesmaids. It would appear the powers that be also wanted Sharon to look like she was in possession of a phantom penis. Lady GaGa would've been most impressed.
Guest 3 - Brian Mc Fadden: Is he back to spelling it with an 'i' again? Who knows. Anyway, Bri/yan sauntered onstage thinking he was going to get an easy ride after Ryan vented at Cowen: "Poor An Taoiseach! There are several aides sweating back there." Indeed, as John Boland put it in Saturday's Indo: "The Tubridy he knew from old would have asked the Taoiseach who was his favourite Spice Girl." Things started off innocuously enough (Bry/ian's got two new albums in the offing, as well as a solo single, AND "a thing called The Wall of Sound which he's working on with some dude from Savage Garden. Phil will be chuffed), but it was only a matter of moments before the subject of his ex-wife was raised. Seemingly Brian was offered €100k to give his side of his story to a tabloid. He declined. He's of a high moral standing, you see (that or he hasn't got much to go on given he's not talked to Kerry in over 4 years). When the issue of his two children directly came into play, things got a wee bit prickly: "So, why are you in Ireland, is it family related? People want to know what's going on... might you look after the kids?" Bryan went on to say it was his plan to take the kids off Kerry for a period of time, so she could get back on track. When Ryan broached the large elephant lurking behind one of those roundtable perches for the Knights Who Say Ni (not fond of the set, while we're at it. MDF central. As for the backdrop, "I'll have a B please, Bob, for the honeycomb walling, fit for a queen bee"), concerning fatherly duties Vs career, Brian dropped some sh*te about Ireland turning its back on him, and as a result, he can't find work as a recording ortist in this country: "How am I supposed to feed my kids (Westlife royalties, no?)... Do you want me to work on a building site?" You'd be lucky to find such work, son. But yeah, it appears you have NO other option than leave all the dirty work down to your mother (who, by her own admission from the audience, has been hospitalised twice recently due to stress. Bryan's father being struck down with a heart condition isn't exactly a huge comfort either) because your ego tells you your too good to work on a building site. As Ryan said, if it be comes to kids or career, "the kids win every time."
Guest 4 - Joan Collins. Lord, that women can still rock it in the aesthetics department. Tubridy and herself bantered about her refusal to straddle the casting couch for the role of Cleopatra (here's looking at you, Elizabeth); how Marlon Brando was most enthused about ice cream; how she took a car ride with James Dean shortly before he died ("Moody. Very concentrated on driving. But I thought My God, he's going to kill himself"); and being kicked across the set by Bette Davis while filming The Virgin Queen in 1955.
Guest 5 - Cherie Blair: The brain switched off after it heard "My book's just come out in China." It momentarily switched back on when it learned her father, Tony Booth, fathered eight daughters with four different women, and when it was presented with a picture depicting Cherie and Tony around the time they first met. Tubridy likened her to "a little elf". It might be more apt to say she resembled the scary wee schoolboy/alleged female from The Krankies, in puppet form, being animated from behind by the might of Tony's crotch. Apparently the picture is in Cherie's book. Probably the only reason it's worth thumbing through.
Guest 6 - Saoirse Ronan: What a charming 15-year-old, who doesn't seem in anyway touched by being nominated for an Oscar, or being asked to play the lead in the screen version of The Lovely Bones. Tubridy managed to ease her into a name-dropping fest (Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz play her parents in the film, while Susan Sarandon plays her grandmother) in a way which his predecessor would've failed entirely. There was no hint of awkwardness, or hum of "don't be on your own with Uncle Pat" present. Imagine Kenny naturally high-fiving a teenager, jovially shouting about the joys of Tayto... (speaking of Pat, he was spotted having dinner in Regazzi's in Dalkey on Friday night. I'd wager a large sum he had it Sky Plussed, however).
Guest 7 - Niall Quinn and his wife. If you must have them on, could we have some questions about Roy Keane please?
So there you have it. Ryan raced through 8 interviewees (and David Gray shaking his head for 4.5 minutes) with an ease and, dare I say, grace that might just have us frgetting that Jonathan Ross is doing the same over the other side in future. And that's saying something considering Ross's guestlist/running order usually has something resembling a cohesive night's viewing.
