The Royal Television Society awards used to be such a raucous affair; in 2008 we had one of the original interchangeable from Skins on the brink of spewing in the back of a cab; Denise Welch showing off her Spanx; which was nothing compared to the pouches that was playing hide 'n seek with Carole McGiffin's gusset; and - shocker of all shockers - Holly Willoughby's non-pregnant belly.

What have we got this year? Some blonde trying to define herself; multiple granny dresses; Aunt Sally's twin brother simpering at his two wins (yip, Dr D-Ream Cox bagged two awards); and Dec bonding with some children. Even Louis Spence toned things down - momentarily.

Anyway, to the nominees and eventual winners:

Actor (Female)
Vicky McClure - This Is England '86 (Channel 4) - WINNER
Natalie Press - Five Daughters (BBC One)
Julie Walters - Mo (Channel 4)

Actor (Male)
Johnny Harris - This Is England '86 (Channel 4)
David Tennant - Single Father (BBC One)
Jim Broadbent - Any Human Heart (Channel 4) - WINNER

Genius Of British Art (Episode 3 - Howard Jacobson 'Flesh') (Channel 4)
Alan Bennett and the Habit of Art (More4) - WINNER
A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss (BBC Four)

Children's Drama
Sarah Jane Adventures (CBBC) - WINNER
Tracy Beaker Returns (CBBC)

Children's Programme
Y Diwrnod Mawr - Sion Pyrs (My Big Day - Sion Pyrs) (S4C)
Something Special (CBeebies)
Horrible Histories (CBBC) - WINNER

Scripted Comedy
The Inbetweeners (E4)
Miranda (BBC Two) - WINNER
Rev (BBC Two)

Comedy Performance
James Buckley - The Inbetweeners (E4)
Miranda Hart - Miranda (BBC Two) - WINNER
Tom Hollander - Rev (BBC Two)

Daytime and Early Peak Programme
Deal Or No Deal (Channel 4)
The Indian Doctor (BBC One) - WINNER
Moving On - Sauce for the Goose (BBC One)

Documentary Series
Wormwood Scrubs (ITV1)
One Born Every Minute (Channel 4)
Welcome To Lagos (BBC Two) - WINNER

Single Documentary
My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (Channel 4)
Between Life And Death (BBC One) - WINNER
The Dancing Boys of Afghanistan (More4)

Drama Serial
Any Human Heart (Channel 4)
This Is England '86 (Channel 4)
Five Daughters (BBC One) - WINNER

Drama Series
Downton Abbey (ITV1)
Sherlock (BBC One) - WINNER
Misfits (E4)

Single Drama
The Road To Coronation Street (BBC Four) - WINNER
The Song Of Lunch (BBC Two)
Mo (Channel 4)

The Million Pound Drop (Channel 4)
The X Factor (ITV1) - WINNER
The Cube (ITV1)

Entertainment Performance
Anthony McPartlin & Declan Donnelly - I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! (ITV1) - WINNER
Charlie Brooker - Newswipe (BBC Four)
Graham Norton - The Graham Norton Show (BBC One)

Features And Lifestyle Series
Pineapple Dance Studios (Sky1 HD) - WINNER
Don't Tell The Bride (BBC Three)
The Great British Bake-Off (BBC Two)

Words Of The Blitz (ITV1)
At Home With The Georgians (BBC Two)
The Secret Life of the National Grid (BBC Four) - WINNER

International Award
True Stories: The Cove (More4) - WINNER
Mad Men (BBC Four)
Justified (5USA)

Piers Morgan - Piers Morgan's Life Stories (ITV1)
Reggie Yates - Autistic Superstars (BBC Three)
Professor Brian Cox - Wonders of the Solar System (BBC Two) - WINNER

Nations and Regions Programme
Taggart (STV)
Breaking The Silence (BBC One Northern Ireland) - WINNER
Snowdonia 1890 (BBC One Wales)

Science & Natural History
Wonders of the Solar System (BBC Two) - WINNER
How Earth Made Us: Deep Earth (BBC Two)
Lost Land of the Tiger (BBC One)

Soap & Continuing Drama
Coronation Street (ITV1)
EastEnders (BBC One) - WINNER
Casualty (BBC One)

Writer - Comedy
Sam Bain & Jesse Armstrong - Peep Show (Channel 4)
Jo Brand, Vicki Pepperdine & Joanna Scanlan - Getting On (BBC Four) - WINNER
Graham Linehan - The IT Crowd (Channel 4)

Writer - Drama
Jack Thorne & Shane Meadows - This Is England '86 (Channel 4) - WINNER
Stephen Butchard - Five Daughters (BBC One)
Neil McKay - Mo (Channel 4)

Judges' Award
Steven Moffat

Lifetime Achievement Award
Peter Bennett-Jones

EastEnders wins over Corrie (despite Michelle Keegan and Debbie Rush scrubbing themselves up and down in various tanning products), Mad Men gets nothing,  Charlie Brooker loses out to Ant and Dec, while Miranda Hart wins two awards...right, these awards are obviously ballix.

While we're at it, can someone please help me with Miranda Hart? I desperately want to like her but it's not happening. She stands for everything that should be championed in today's society - she's not conventional in the aesthetic sense yet is allowed on television, which is refreshing. She's an independent female comedy writer who's winning across the board in a severely male dominated area, which is something to be lauded. She also came across as a very self-aware yet humble sort in her interview with the Sunday Times Culture mag. Yet every time I see she's won something I feel like an injustice has been done, probably because Miranda is going from strength to strength while Sharon Horgan's Pulling got, well, pulled after series two... I know it's been banged on about before, and it's not as if I don't enjoy people falling over, I do, just not every second scene.

All feedback welcome. That's assuming you've not been rendered catatonic by this vision and have therefore been immobilised since line two...