Naaaaw. What's up, Cristiano? Why so sad? Was £80million not enough money to convey your prowess when playing the field? Or is it the prospect of your first game with Real Madrid possibly taking place in Tallaght? Oh-bup-bup-bop! Hang about... what's this about you and Paris Hilton getting it on in My House nightclub in LA?

"They were sucking each other's faces off like their plane was going down. At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy." Or traumatising by the looks of things. The Sun then goes on to say: "The pair were united in Hollywood's posh My House nightspot as news broke that Man Utd had accepted the mega-offer for Ronaldo from Spanish giants Real Madrid. After sharing steamy cuddles and expensive champagne for two hours, Paris headed to sister Nicky's home in the Hollywood Hills at 2.05am. Ronaldo, 24, joined her there an hour later after a brief stopover at his hotel."

And this is where we join him. He looks like a man about to go into battle. It is the face of someone going to meet their maker. Even his mate is going, "WHAT ARE YOU DOOOING? THIS POOR MAN HAS TO GO DO A HEEELTON *whispers* THE HOOORROOOR!" Let's face it; Doug Reinhardt was only there 24 hours prior. That's rough. And, given the well documented video footage, Ronaldo would have his work cut out for him to make her in any way animated... Or maybe he's blissfully happy; it's just all that grease on his face weighing his muscles down, making it difficult to rustle up anything more than a petrified simper.

Whatever the reason, Ronaldo appeared to be physically unhurt when he emerged from Nicky Hilton's house at 5am. In fact, he was beaming from ear to ear. Perhaps Paris let him off the hook, using the ole "it's too soon", line. HAH! Aaahh, now that's funny *slaps thigh*