You're not buying an M8, nor an s5, and certainly not an iPhone6. You haven't uncovered a diamond in the rough, or even stumbled upon an out-of-date, top shelf phone that's lost a chunk of its monetary value over the years.
Now that we have that out of the way, we can talk about what you are actually getting. Sony's latest entry level phone is currently priced at the small cost of 80 quid. In the budget level category certainly, but the e1 is among the best in its price range, and great value as long as you don't expect the world.
The phone comes with a 3.15 MP camera, which is surprisingly good quality, and it even records in HD. This should easily cover most people's needs, although the lack of front-facing camera may be a problem for those inclined to extend their arm for selfie, they'll have to go back to guessing the angle of the shot again.
Sony are pushing the "Walkman" button which, when pushed, brings you instantly into your music collection. At first it doesn't seem like a big time saver, but it's only when you use another phone you realise its genius. Who has an extra 5 seconds to access music? Not us.
*Bit of advice, don't try that feature out before installing your own music, especially if you're in public. The last thing you want is co-workers thinking you listen to chipmunk trance at 2pm...
In what is one of the most American-phrased features you'll hear this year, the E1's audio is powered by Sony's xLoud sound enhancement system. It is pretty loud, not so much so as to deserve such a ridiculous title, but you can easily listen to your music or the radio from the other side of the room.
As always with smartphones, the big question is battery life. What's the point in being able to have the world at your fingertips if that'll only last for half of the day. Well thankfully you won't have that problem, unless you're constantly streaming music or videos, one solid charge should last a full day. And for those who still have their communion money, there's a "battery stamina mode", so you can eek out every last bit of juice possible.
Powered by a 1.2 GHz dualcore proc...we'll leave that there. It's fast. It won't keep up with the €500+ phones, but for anyone with a bit of patience, switching between and loading apps doesn't cause any lag. And for those who may lack slightly in the patience department, the phone is made of pretty strong plastic, so a few thumps off a wall shouldn't cause it too much damage.
A 4-inch screen seems to be the minimum you'll find these days, and that's what Sony have gone for here. But doesn't that just mean there's more surface area to break? Well they've only gone and covered you here, but adding a layer of tempered glass on top to stop such problems, awful sound. With 800x480 pixels on those four inches you'd expect a better resolution, but that's nitpicking.
When you spend €80 on a phone, it's going to have some problems, but you just have to know if you can deal with them. Considering the cheap price, solid build quality, and the fact that it looks a good deal more expensive than it is, there's little to complain about with the e1, and it should be perfect for anyone not looking to blow two weeks wages on a fancy phone.
The Sony e1 is available from €80 at Carphone Warehouse.