One could blame this morning's early start, but not one gown attending last night's BAFTAs (winners and round up can be seen here) roused a titillating feeling. In fact, let's not blame the early start; watching the shoddy delayed Red Carpet footage on BBC3 yesterday evening wasn't exactly a cause for excitement. Here's why...
Helena Bonham Carter arrived in a solid block of black. Her rambling yet highly amusing acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress did make up for it somewhat, but it was still a bit of a letdown. Other souls who played it safe were Eva Green; Jane Goldman (although the black is a blessing with the hair); what looks like Faye off Emmerdale (Olivia Grant), Barbara Hershey, Gemma Arterton (she's not fooling anyone with that bow); all the men (with the exception of Aaron Johnson, who's still sporting the smoking jacket ensemble... perhaps he's trying to siphon some years from Hugh Hefner. Oh and Mark Ruffalo came wearing Roisin Murphy); and Felicity Jones, albeit in an unfortunate length. Yeah, I know, ballerina hem lines are all the rage, but it just stumpifies people unnecessarily. Although, said length means she did avoid the dreaded wet carpet look...
Hello Emma Stone. What a delightful tide mark you have there. Indeed I did notice it despite you subtly showcasing your slit. Hang on, I take that back... Hi Sarah Harding. Yes, you too have a slit. Well done. And Meredith, you managed to incorporate a slit into your homemade toga effort, how lovely... Apart from slits, the only real trend exhibited was mammoth Green Lantern inspired rings, as sported by Jessica Alba and Minnie Driver (sadly we can't see Minnie's there, but she did have one, promise). Oh, and hair being used as a torture device. Why have one plait throttling your head, when apparently you can have two.
Listen, let's just rip through the remnants of those who shuffled their bones up "2011's longest red carpet", cause we also have the Grammy's to get through!
Thandie Newton: I know it's Valentine's Day but your dress reminds me more of internal workings of a womb rather than a rose.
Kimberly Walsh: Fitting in beige.
Emma Watson: Probably one of the best dressed of the night (the jury's out on the pink flecks but we'll leave her off). Then again, that's her job.
Amy Adams: Would be perfect in a slightly darker hue.
Neve Campbell: She's your private dancer...
Bonnie Wright: Nice, but those extra patches on the bodice are off putting.
Rosamund Pike: Ah, the calm before the presenting storm (i.e. the cock up with the autocue, the mocking from this smug turd, the panicked interception from Ross and then getting the mick ripped out of you by Gerard Butler, of all people)
Julianne Moore: For some reason, I keep picturing this in denim.
Miranda Richardson: The dress lets down the beautiful face.
Noomi Rapace: I think the shoes are bit much. Yep, just the shoes...
Nancy Shevell: She's just a cosmic girl...
J.K. Rowling: There's no back to this dress, which means there must be an inbuilt bra for her impressive mounds.
Natascha McElhone: is being attacked by barnacles.
Livia Guiggioli: Looking demure - before she was elbowed in the head when her hubby won best actor.
Tilda Swinton: NEXT.
Tracey Emin: Well done, you've managed to contain your boobs for once.
Emilia Fox: Not sure if one should be reminding people of multiple triangles around the crotchular area.
Jameela Jamil: ENOUGH WITH THE LEFT EAR ALREADY.
Hailee Steinfeld: Unnervingly sophisticated for a 14-year-old.
Jennifer Lawrence: Nice but perhaps better on a shorter person, I just want to hoik... there ya go.
And finally, Film 2011 presenter, Claudia Winkleman. At first glance, I thought she was pawing a snot rag. As it turns out, when we pan back, it's some form of brooch... which is the least of her crimes given she's wearing shiny ski-pants. To the BAFTAS. Although, all would be forgiven if she'd just ditch the clay coloured lippie in favour for something not cadaver hued. Live a little, Claudia, live a little.