Monday mornings are always sooo taxing. I've spent the past few hours staring slack-jawed at last night's red carpet fodder on a myriad of websites (the best one of course being Oscars.com). Here are some resulting thoughts. We have, naturally, started with the worst.
Disaster Dresses: Julie Christie - 1940s harlot housewife en route to do the dishes (it's a 'Julie Christie original' apparently). Juno writer Diablo Cody - shapeless animal print shift. I KNOW she has a cracking rack under there, she used to be a stripper. Best Supporting Actress winner Tilda Swinton - looks like half of her dress had gone in search for some make up. Marion Cotillard - anemic little mermaid. Anne Marie Duff - why do clothes always look out of place on that girl? She always looks like she's wearing the most uncomfortable nightie EVER. Rebbecca Miller (AKA lady Day-Lewis) - Too. Much. Going. On. The print on the skirt and what appears to be a MASSIVE crystal flower are all well and good, but teamed with bright orange ribbon straps and checkered flag shoes?! Don't get me started on the understated make-up. Tommy Lee Jones' date (simply called 'and guest') - hurriedly thrown hotel drapes about her person.
Didn't Quite Get it Right: Knocked Up's Katherine Heigl - ode to 'Samantha Jones'. Anne Hathaway - appears to be morphing into a blood red Grecian colonnade. Heidi Klum - came has her own red carpet. For those who happen to be a fan of the dress; there's still no excusing the pink accessories. Sarah Larson (AKA George Clooney's missus) - reminiscent of a couch celebrating sunsets in chez Golden Girls. Faye Dunaway - I know it's meant to be gold but - given her hair, make-up and jewelry - she's a wall of beige. Renee Zellweger - Too pale to pull off sliver sequins. Jennifer Hudson - boobs are in direct competition with her shoulders and are making their way upwards for battle. Cate Blanchett - too short. Cameron Diaz - an ornately folded napkin. Miley Cyrus - what was she doing there anyway? I'd say something about Saoirse Ronan but we were all young once.
Those in Black and Therefore a Bit Blah: Nicole Kidman. Vanessa Paradis. Hilary Swank. Ellen Page. Jennifer Garner (looking remarkably like Javine Hylton). Laura Linney (technically its navy but its still 'blah'). Penelope Cruz (too hairy). Diane Lane (please see Laura Linney comment but replace 'navy' with 'brown').
Spot On: Helen Mirren - Georges Chakra and Swarovski crystal number. Jessica Alba - plum Marchesa gown. Still looks stunning even while pregnant with suspected twins... what a woman. Kelly Preston - busty Roberto Cavalli number. Amy Adams - green gowns with red hair always look a bit diddly dee but she pulls off this Proenza Schuler... even if the bodice does resemble a bikini. Forest Whitaker's bird Keisha - no idea who made it but it's purty. Calista Flockhart - Vintage Valentino.
Behold the full list of Oscar Winners