Last night's Royal premiere in Leicester Square treated us to the good, the bad and the bemused in the style stakes. There was Bond Girl A, Olga Kurylenko, looking serenely sublime (even if she did over do it slightly in the bustle department), and then there was Bond Girl B, Gemma Arterton, looking like half her dress had been unfortunately savaged by a rogue lion who'd been lurking in her limo. Luckily former WWF fodder, Chyna, was in the vicinity and kindly lent Gemma one of her wrestling belts in an attempt to deflect attention from the skirt area. It didn't work. Fair play to Gemma, though, she smacked a smile on her face, thought "well, at least everyone can see the sandals now" and informed all present that "Tinkerbell Goes Jungle Goth is all the rage this season". You see, this's what happens when a certain someone is only in three scenes - they start looking for attention in the most uncouth manner imaginable. Such is the plight of being Bond Girl B.
Enter Dame Judi Dench. Judi, I don't like the dye job - there's a bang of Just For Men off it. And what in the name of Jasysis is this? Would Helen Mirren chance that? OK, well if she did she'd carry it off. There's something else different about you around the face… Is it new dentures? Some tweakage? It's as if you've sent a lookalike 15 years your junior that hasn't quite mastered your twinkle yet.
Elle, what did your breasts do to you to warrant such levels of torture? One would think you were ashamed of your curves given what's happening with your hoop here. It appears to be blending into your thigh. If you're going to wear lame, just the right amount of give is required - otherwise you run the risk of looking like a tightly wound Quality Street or a baggily wrapped toffee apple. See, this collection of little Quality Street toffee fingers just about get away with it. In other lame news; I think 90s IT girl Tamara Beckwith is pregnant.
As for the men; Mathiew Amalric didn't succeed in quashing rumours that he's more adept at depicting a stroke victim than a Bond villain. Jack White 's been sucking the life force from his (once) model wife, Karen Elson, thus turning her into a parched ghoul. Thankfully she hasn't been struck down by his rampant pink eye but it's only a matter of time. Sir Bob filled in for Peaches, Daniel Craig did a masterful job of morphing his sling into his suit while comforting a clearly spooked Satsuki Mitchell (she must've spotted Bond Girl B's wily limo lion hungrily eyeing up his next purple gown), Robbie Coltrane embodied the term 'adorable', and who knew Simon Webbe was still alive?!