We'll cut right to the chase. Presumably John Newman was performing some sort of Michael Jackson Jive Bunny Mega Mix during last night's show, because he's bringing back white toweling socks and black slip ons OVER MY DEAD BODY. On the upside, he's detracting from Ellie's bleurgh coloured corsetted cargo pants - and she knows it. By the by, if you're looking for all of last night's winners, you're obviously in the wrong place; they're over in Music News.

Upsetting occurrence number 2: Kate Thornton's head playing an homage to Jack Jeebs from Men in Black.

Number 3: The BBC's predilection of teaming young nubile women with men of a certain vintage, who are starting to resemble marionette versions of themselves, spilling into their Awards show.

Number 4: Harry Styles' wind tunnel hair stealing the thunder from Zayne's "impromptu" hair tendril. It just "fell down" this time too, swear.

Number 5: Ella Henderson's chest area. Is it a necklace over a flesh coloured top, or just pendulous boobs? 

Ah, here now, seriously, WTF is it?! Is it going under her boobs, or what? And it's not a flesh coloured top 'cause that's definitely a freckle there.

We were going to add Pixie Lott's boob tube bow into the mix, but it actually looks rather cute/we're desperately trying to find something positive about someone attending last night.