Beanpole striker Peter Crouch was recently asked in an interview what he would be if he wasn't a footballer. His answer? A virgin. While his candour is somewhat refreshing, he's pretty much admitting that his girlfriend (lad's mag favourite Abbey Clancy) is with him more for the contents of his wallet than the contents of his character.

Crouch, all 6'7" of him, seems intent on living up to that footballer stereotype of more money than sense and owner of a rabbit-like intention to be solely responsible for the saturation of the North London gene pool with abnormally tall Y chromosomes.

The England player recently celebrated his 29th birthday in some absurdly hip Chelsea nightclub, along with his main squeeze Abbey and some other friends when he spotted former Big Brother housemate and now D-list celebrity Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace. Horgan-Wallace claims in Reveal Magazine that Crouch approached her, suggested they sit in a booth together and eventually asked her for her telephone number, out to dinner and also back to his place. What a charmer.

Horgan-Wallace was "completely gobsmacked", as she put it and reminded him that he has a girlfriend. And that she's in the same room. "Yeah", Crouch reportedly replied. "That doesn't mean I'm happy though, does it?"

Now, this story wouldn't be complete without a little sh*t hitting the fan and that occurred when Clancy saw just what was going on and approached him. "Pete, I hate you! What the f*** are you doing?" before throwing a glass bottle a few stories up in the general direction of his head.

The epitome of a happy and healthy relationship, those two.

-John Balfe (Sheena is away)