Yup, it's that kind of news day. It's a day when Miss 2006 attends a dentist's appointment / parades through a petrol station looking like she's on the hunt to find a nightclub pole to hump.

Oh, Paris whatever is the matter with the side of your head there? Did your slushie give your poor brain a chill? Or are you just ensuring that we notice you're subtly plugging Prada sunglasses today.

The cheque is in the post.