Oh Paris Hilton, what a ridiculous person you are. Sometimes I have difficulty remembering that she's actually a real human being and not some sort of cautionary tale invented by mothers the world over to warn their daughters about the dangers of growing up to be a pompous arsehole. Some might say that making fun of Paris is trite and simplistic. They're right. That's exactly why I'm doing it.

Paris has recently been in the UK as part of a new reality television show in which she is holding tryouts to find her new best friend, in what is sure to be one the most painful television series in recent memory. Paris, god bless her, has taken something of a shine to the UK even going so far as to say that she wants to name her first born daughter London because she wants her daughter to grow up with a quaint British accent.

Hilton was quoted as saying that she'd "love to have children in the next two years. I'd like three or four of them". Now, one would have to assume that Paris is aware of the logistics of having four kids in the space of two years and that it's next to impossible unless she has twins but let's not get too caught up in the nuts and bolts of the issue.

A model of fiscal prudence, Paris said that "there are a lot of great things about being me. The day before I came to the UK, I spent £30,000". One would have to wonder if that money would have been better spent beginning adoption proceedings for some sort of ethnically diverse child. Hey, it worked for Angelina and Madonna.

-John Balfe