There is a God. This pair came dangerously close to procreating (presuming their respective reproductive facilitators aren't as directionless as their hosts).

The burning question... How did Paris go from proclaiming her intention to wed this yoke to dumping him? He dared hawk at another woman in a club.

According to sources: "The break-up came just hours after Paris had insisted her boyfriend was 'hotter' than Brad Pitt (HAH!) during an appearance on US late-night show Jimmy Kimmel Live. She had also called the actor her 'future husband' and 'best friend' during recent interviews and Internet postings… However the pair have now split after a huge bust-up in a Hollywood nightclub on Tuesday night where she reportedly caught him eyeing up another woman. Paris then stormed out of the club and was then photographed slumped on the ground, being comforted by a male pal (he was bending over her)... Sources close to the couple say a desperate-looking Doug was locked out of Paris' LA home yesterday after she blocked his right to enter her gated community. The same source has told Paris couldn't be happier, because she now realises: 'Doug is a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity'."

Paris' spokesperson said: "In response to the enquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."

That last line will have me treading the brink between maniacal cackling and hysterical ranting for the rest of the day. I shall spare you both scenarios................. OK, apologies, there's just one thing that needs saying - given the bombardment of pictures displaying Paris's fanny forced upon me - the terms "respect" and "privacy" are rendered insurmountably redundant when teamed with her name. I'll consider respecting her privacy if she can give me back my innocence. That is all.