It's a rare thing to feel any emotion, bar the odd spot of rage, when thinking of Paris Hilton. I, however, felt something resembling empathy over the weekend upon learning that her LA gaff had been infiltrated by a hooded creature who pocketed $2million worth of jewellery/other stuff us regular folk only dream about.

According to TMZ, the "break-in occurred around 5am yesterday (that was Friday morning) at Hilton's home in the Sherman Oaks area of Los Angeles... a man in a hooded sweatshirt forced entry into her front door and ransacked her bedroom."

I then heard the whole "Benji Madden's dating Britney Spears" rumour. Seemingly Britney's Paw (Jamie) and her long-suffering/dancing all the way to the nearest trustworthy bank manager, Larry Rudolph, had whipped up a list of possible suitors. Were they hoping Britney would find true love and happiness? Nay, they're simply "hoping to use their relationship to promote her upcoming tour". According to In Touch magazine, Benji was "interested" in meeting with Britney and they enjoyed a couple of "private dates" in hotel suites.

Other potentials reportedly on Jamie and Larry's lurrrve wish list included "Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford, actor Jesse Metcalf, and Olympian Michael Phelps." Crawford might've been a good one. There's little chance of him being into though. Jesse Metcalf with his nonexistent career and Hokey Cokey relationship with rehab would not have been the best choice. And as for Michael Phelps... well, seemingly he's busy gambling in Vegas surrounded by cocktail waitresses.

But back to Paris. Getting robbed and having an ex-friend dating your most recent boyfriend is a lot for a bubble brained simphilton to absorb. I feared the worst... that she'd start hibernating and I've have one less person to take the piss out of.

Any lingering sympathetic stirrings soon fizzled out this morning, however, when I read that Britney's publicist, Holly Shakoor (never heard of her, is she new?) has insisted any rumours of enforced promotional relationships are "completely false", and that Paris reportedly left her "front door unlocked" on the night of the break in. Gobsh*te... ah, sweet familiar rage, you have been missed.