Time for the most significant red carpet rundown of the entire year. If there's one awards ceremony you don't want to get it wrong at, it's the Academy Awards. Unfortunately though, there'll always be a few who fall short of the mark, and then there are those who you can't help but ask the question 'have you fallen and hit your head only to be brought back to consciousness with some form of insane tonic that strips you of your sense of what looks good and what doesn't? Eh Helena Bonham-Carter?' Oh yeah, we forgot; she's never been one for traditional Oscar type fare. We can only imagine what members of the bird family are nesting in her hair. Now we know she's liked for her kookiness, but just once it'd be nice to see her in something other than an outfit that resembles some black and white crepe paper, swiped from your husband's art studio.
We're going to begin this by getting all the negativity out of our system: All in all, it has to be said, the outfits at this year's Oscars are rather disappointing. Too many dresses that remind us of our debs circa 1999, not enough bold choices and not enough colour. The one thing that stands out to us when having a gander through the red carpet pics, is that these snaps could have been taken from any year over the last decade; there's scarce an outfit that really screams cutting edge, bang-on-trend fashion. Amirite?
Take Helen Hunt for example; I mean come ON Helen. If you were brave enough to get your kit off for The Sessions (for which she received a Best Supporting Actress nominee) you should have been brave enough to go for something a little more daring than a strapless navy, satin (bleugh) gown. Boooooring. And what the HELL was Hugh Jackman's wife thinking? Doesn't she realise how lucky she is to be at the Oscars on the arm of one of the most sought after (well, he's top of my list anyway) men in Hollywood? Wear a freakin' gown for chrissakes. And don't EVER wear a scrunchie. Ever. Plus, you're never going to look better than your husband when you wear the same outfit that he's got on. We hardly imagine she walked into their living room before they set off for the Oscars and he said 'oh honey, you look stunning'. No, he more than likely said it whilst thinking to himself that she looks like a dolled up office secretary whose neck is being choked by a necklace that looks like an insect and whose flares (yes, FLARES) should have used as motivation and torn to shreds during his last training session for The Wolverine.
And while I hate to be a hater where Jennifer Lawrence is concerned, I can't help but draw a comparison between her dress and my duvet. Just look at it, doesn't it make you yearn for a nap? I'd also have preferred to see her with her hair down. Nevertheless she's still a ride and the coolest chick in Hollywood. Fair play Miss Lawrence. Not really feeling Reese Witherspoon's get up either, it makes her a little boxy around the hips. Good colour blocking though. And as for Charlize Theron, we presume this pixie haircut is for a role, (it better be) but your white gown is a little too JLO-Jenny-from-the-block, Posh Spice, ah-jaysis-howiya-stick-a-few-diamantés-on-your-dress-there-now for our liking. And the train at the back looks like a bedsheet you've knicked from my mam's hotpress. Jane Fonda? Good choice of colour and damn you look incredible for your age but you NEED to accept that we're now into the second decade of the 21st century and stop dressing like an extra from Steel Magnolias.
OK. That's enough bitching. If I don't stop now, a set of horns will begin to sprout from my forehead. Oh but there's one last thing I CAN'T ignore. Dear Melissa McCarthy. Your 1980s mullet style blowdry. What planet do you hail from? You look like a cartoon character from an atrociously bad cartoon. You also kind of resemble Monica from Friends in the episodes where they hark back to their school days. Here's hoping nobody lit a match in your vicinity because you'd surely have blown up the entire event. Also, the dress is gank.
Right, I'm cleansed. As for who got it right?
Well for me, one of the best dressed gongs HAS to go to Sally Field. How feminine, subtle and pretty does she look? Loving the sheer sleeves too. Then there was Jessica Chastain who I think epitomises Hollywood glamour; those red lips, that sleek hair, that figure hugging dress that perfectly sets off the porcelain colour of her skin. What a beaut. Also loving the fact that she was smart enough not to douse herself in sh*tloads of gold jewellery. As my mother always says, don't guild the lily.
Amanda Seyfried also looked stunning and she must be getting rather good at this 'cause we haven't had a bad word to say about her in ages. And we have to give props to Anne Hathaway who we HAVE bitched about at every other awards ceremony. Now this isn't exactly jaw-droppingly beautiful but it isn't hideous either.
Adele, oh Adele. We love you. This Oscar winner has to have one of the most beautifully symmetrical faces we've ever seen. And she knows how to dress for her shape too. Stunning. Fair play also to Amy Adams who braved a garment consisting mostly of frills and managed to make it look effortless. She looks likes a princess and we love the muted colour.
Up there with the likes of Sally Field has to be George Clooney's arm candy, Stacy Keibler. How stunning she looks donned in a grey, beaded halter-neck gown.Grey seems to be the colour of choice for the night. It was always going to be hard for her to top last year's outfit that resembed an actual Oscar but she's done it well, not going too OTT. Halle Berry also opted for some structured beaing with her long sleeved gown with the plunging neckline. That girl could swan the red carpet in a patchwork of teacloths and still look good, however.
Lastly (we're not arsed referring to those who neither offended or impressed us, 'cause that's just boring. Sorry, Jennifer Garner, you look FAB but we just never have enough to say about you) we HAVE to comment on Jennifer Aniston's gown. We're ignoring the hair part though; you really ought to try something other than the standard Rachel hairstyle, Jen, but we do like the dress. It's not black, as you may have noticed. It's red and it's bold and it's got a train. It screams of a woman in love and for that reason, we feel all warm inside.
So that's it folks, not an Angelina Jolie style right leg in sight. No downright messes and not a whole lot worth writing home about either. As for the men? Penguin suits. All varying degrees of penguin suits. 'Til next year!
More red carpet photos here.