TOO. MANY. DRESSES. OK, ok.... OKOKOKaaaayyy. Very many to get through, so we'll keep this brief(ish).
THE GOOD: Michelle (Tina off Corrie) Keegan. Nice to see you not resembling a baked kumquat for a change... Dannii Minogue, you look like a dainty queen bee by way of Grace Kelly... Heidi Range, branching out beyond bodycon dresses avec opaque tights has paid off. A bracelet might've been nice... Cheryl (Hevah off EastEnders) Fergison, good job given the circumstances. Should've been floor length, though... Kara (used to play Dawn off EastEnders) Tointon, this is sophisticated (even if the lace panel does reach a touch too high over her collarbone), the ring is massive - unlike you. Don't forget you need to eat... Sammy (Katie off Emmerdale) Winward, you look understated and sublime, especially in that colour... Katherine (Becky off Corrie) Kelly, not sure if it's just because Becky always looks like a maniac, but you look luciously serene here...
THE BLAH: Amanda (Natasha off Emmerdale) Donohoe, it's nice but you're not going to hear that roar of approval you're waiting for, it's been done before and better (what's going on with your lower back?)... Amanda Holden, does it come with it's own skirt arranger, or must your bring your own? Is it worth not being able to walk down a red carpet unnattended, instead having to stand there completely still until someone comes along to move you? If the belt comes undone, does the 'dress' swiftly make its way towards your ankles?... Holly Willoughby, your face says it all. Take a few hours off and go home to the child... Kudos, Heather Mills, for not only coercing (what looks like) your Dancing On Ice partner to accompany you down the carpet, but also forcing him to wear a matching tie. Other than that, it's too bunchy looking... Davina McCall, WOOOOO, you're not wearing BLACK!! But you might as well have. You also might pay a visit to your ear, nose and throat specialist, as I'm not sure what's going on with the right hand side there.... Jane Torville, your legs are the only dazzling thing. You've got a cracking figure so why wriggle it into this chaotically ruched tube?... Cheryl Cole, it's a lovely colour, but all colours are lovely on you. It's just a shame it makes your waist look longer than usual, and if you were going to go for floating cuffs, why not go the whole hog and have a two foot high collar towering off your shoulders a la Jane Jetson? Oh, that would be too much... Lacey (Stacey off EastEnders) Turner, in the words of Ivana Trump, 'it is what it is.' And what it is, is a perfectly adequate fare for the boozer of a Saturday night... Same goes for you, Joanne Lumleyonly with less flowers... Arlene Philips, please see the title of this category... Kym (Michelle off Corrie) Marsh, it's grand but it looks like it weighs a tonne. If you're were going for 'cumbersome' you get top marks... DianeParish (Denise off EastEnders/JLS's Aston in drag), you have a spare shoulder there, could you not find something to put on that? Maybe another bed throw or reflective trinket?... Rita (Roxy off EastEnders) Simons, just cause you've inherited the Queen Vic, it doesn't mean you have to morph into Peggy quite yet... as for the outfit, too many lines.
THE BAD: Konnie Huq, you're being blinded by your own dress. Enough said... Barbara Windsor, the neck line is too high for bosoms of your size, leaving your chest looking like a wall of granite. I also continue to not care for the cockatoo look or the random swatches of material protruding from your gown... Fearne Cotton, fair play for buying high street delights for less than €60, but that neck line does nothing for you... Myleene Klass, you've gone for a love it or hate it combo. It fits well but its reminiscent of the decor Channel 4 employed for Big Brother 8's bathroom? I dunno, it looks tacky and the necklace is overkill. No amount of loudness will compensate for personality... Helen (Rosie off Corrie) Flanagan, you'd be right to try hide that sack behind your clutch. Your tan's streaky and what the f*** is going on with your eyes? OHSWEETJESUS... Sinitta, we know you have buns of steel but it's still no excuse... Alice (Masie off Emmerdale) Coulthard, I know your character's been through a rough time and is on the brink of a breakdown, and it must be exhausting shooting such scenes, but trying to give Bertie Basset the horn isn't going to help matters... Beverley (Liz off Corrie) Callard, I don't know the way to the hoedown, perhaps give Mae West a holler... Preeya (Amira off EastEnders) Kalidas, it's cute, but there's something awry? Especially around the boobular area. It seels off kilter... Shobna (Sunita off Corrie) Gulati, it's too boxy around the breasticals to look near as sexy as you think it does... Melissa (Lucy off EastEnders) Suffield, you have managed to clash and yet merge with the red carpet... Kate Thornton, I don't have a picture of your dress in full (you can kind of see it here), but I will say lay off the lip filler. Or whatever it is you're doing.
THE BOOBS: Most boobs come in pairs, hence why Michelle Heaton followed Jordan around for the night. That or she was ordered to... The former's dress isn't worth commenting on (although I would appreciate it if her left boob wasn't on display), while it's fitting that Jordan turn up in something such as this to watch herself gag on a Kangaroo anus on a giant screen. It's all so very wrong *cradles wastepaper basket*... Carol McGiffen and Sherrie Hewson, as previously mentioned, the pair of you are showing far too much - with Sherrie, quite obviously, being the main offender. What is WRONG with you woman?! You're not meant to take the title of your show literally. Now PUT THEM AWAY *heaves into basket*... Simon Cowell, you are being flanked by a set of boobs. In fact, so attached are they that Sinitta's left one appears to be crawling it's way up towards her mouth so it can be closer to you. As for the bird on the right, is she the new girlfriend? She shares a likeness for those you usually go for, and she made a big deal of hopping out of her chair (which was two places away, cause Simon probably insisted on sitting beside Cheryl, while Sinitta insisted on sitting beside Simon) to be the first to congratulate you on winning Best Talent Show... John and Edward, I've no idea what you're wearing (are the jackets weaved out of film reels? *blinks*), but did your people hire the same person who recently did Nicole Kidman's make up for the New York premiere of Nine? Ah, here comes Joe... that would be a 'yes', then... Charlie (Janine off EastEnders) Brooks, you're scaring the good Doctor. He's not a gyne, put them away... Charlie (Bradley off EastEnders) Clements and Charlie G (Darren off EastEnders) Hawkins, you look like you share a missing link... Tess Daly, I think Claudia Winkleman is hunting for a brush, might you have one in that orange, mirrored contraption of yours?... Sophie Reade, enjoy it while it lasts.