Hey, d'you know what epitomises glamour? It very possibly could be attending last night's Glammies held at Berkeley Square Gardens in London, picking up your very own Woman of The Year award (which the Editor gave you for some reason, probably for getting BBC3 to re-commission a crap chat show) and then using it to shield your face while you're carted off the premises due to a severe self-induced bout of inebriation.

Lily Allen, not content with already putting herself at a disadvantage by wearing a dress emblazoned with a bleeding Bambi (which, if I'm being honest, is rather cute), teaming it with totally unrelated electric blue heels and a lurid, cerese pink, home-dye job for the occasion (according to The Mirror, she said: "I did it myself in the bathroom. I'm happy with it"), she then had to go get herself PLASTERED. My, that was a lengthy sentence but hopefully it got the point across. And here's point number two: most of us have, unfortunately, been in such a state more than once in our lifetimes. But, if cameras were present, would we do it repeatedly? How long would it take before the thought "lord, I'm starting to get known as a lush, not someone in possession of talent" staggered across our brain the next morning, flourishing a white flag to 'the fear' who's lurking in the darker recesses, waiting to emerge around lunch time (another lengthy sentence, apologies). Lily - in short - get your sh*t together. Or try to when in public - the last few weeks has already seen you being cradled out of various venues in Cannes. At least Keith was around to ensure someone didn't cop a sneaky reacharound or vault you over a spiky fence to his mates.

Care to familarise yourself with those who managed to leave Berkeley Square Gardens on their own two feet?
Film Actress of the Year - Kate Beckinsale (not really sure why)
Presenter of the Year - Fearne Cotton (she was the only professional thing about this year's Brits)
TV Personality of the Year - Dannii Minogue (she must've got extra points for being able to convey sentiments without moving her face)
Band of the Year - Spice Girls (*sighs*)
International Musician/Solo Artist - Beth Ditto
Film-Maker of the Year - Jane Goldman
Theatre Actress of the Year - Kelly Osbourne (think she was in Chicago)
Editor's Special Award - Lily Allen (again, have no idea why)
Newcomer - Hayden Panettiere (hardly a newcomer - she was in Malcolm in the Middle years ago)
TV Actress of the Year - Keeley Hawes (presumably for Ashes to Ashes)
Radio Personality of the Year - Jo Whiley (Sara Cox or Edith Bowman will get it next year, presumably it's on rotation)
Inspiration Award - Annie Lennox
Accessory Designer of the Year - Tamara Mellon
Writer of the Year - Cecelia Ahern (*smacks head off desk*)
Comedy Actress of the Year - Joanna Page (Welsh bird from Gavin and Stacey)
Man of the Year - Mark 'The Horn' Ronson
Entrepreneur of the Year - Kate Moss (Video Acceptance - she'd been out on the p*ss with Jamie Hince the day before and failed to make it, by all accounts)
UK Solo Artist - Leona Lewis (Video Acceptance - probably somewhere in the LA, doing some cardio)