Mr. Gallagher. Your nuggets have been missed. It's a shame you only wheel your insightfulness out when you've got a tour to promote. And promote he did on Friday, with the aid of Chris Moyles, a few Jagerbombs, and two hours kip. Instead of talking about Oasis' pending tour, or indeed their upcoming album, Noel unleashed his inner bitch on some counterparts when guesting on Moyles' breakfast show on Friday (apparently the bang of booze off him was insurmountable, which wasn't helped by the fact that the was still sporting the clothes from the previous night).
He started with Russell Brand: "The most annoying person on the BBC is Russell Brand. I've actually been close up to that boy; you know when you mix garlic with coffee and alcohol. I'm just saying when you get close to him, he could do with a bit of Sure For Men, he stinks." Keeping with scents, he said of Jade Goody's: "It smells like stale urine, and that's not the perfume." And, just when Noel was about to combust with cattiness, he said: "I love David Beckham, not in that way, he's a geezer, but to have your own scent... After the last tour, my missus was going 'What are we gonna do for you? Let's put a scent out!' Eau de Toerag, for the working-class gentleman." He then referred to Amy Winehouse as a "destitute horse" (would a decrepit capall cart her 12-year-old godchild around Camden at midnight, throwing slaps at passers by enroute to a fundraiser for the Hawley Arms, which she then gets thrown out of for starting a scuffle in the DJ booth?), and said: "Mark Ronson wants to write his own tunes instead of ruining everyone else's. He needs to learn three chords on the guitar and write a tune."
The oracle finished with my favourite quote of the interview: "The Monkees haven't split up, they're just going under the name as the Kaiser Chiefs... Anybody whose drummer writes the songs are not to be trusted."
Ah Noel, you have been missed. Unlike your music.
