I'm not a fan of Damien Hirst. To quote my boss "He's got a neck like a jockey's b*ll*cks." That's about all he's got. OK, he's also got a bit of money in the bank, something in the region of £200million.
Why? Because he pickled a shark and called it art. He cut a calf in half and called it art. He invited flies to feed on a cow's severed head and called it art. He used to paint dots, and now he gets other people to paint dots for him. He calls that art. His collection of pill boxes, butterflies and coloured pots and pans, they're art too. If some enraged artist, "one who can draw", charged into the Tate and pissed on one of his "pieces" he'd deem that a live instillation and therefore art. In fact, the only thing I rate is that diamond encrusted skull he did (retailing in the region of £50million, folks) because I like anything that sparkles. I also like the notion of prettying up something people usually recoil at. But mainly I'm a magpie in human form. You can have that as the title of your next work, Damien, just have a magpie fly around the Tate wearing a face mask bearing your likeness.
Anyway, I sulked while watching himself and Noel Fielding trotting around The Tate during Channel 4's Damien Hirst: The First Look "documentary" on Monday night, largely because he's making millions by "getting away with it", and this was highlighted by the choice of host. I like Fielding. I liked him more in the Mighty Boosh, when Julian Barrett was present to reign in some of Noel's more rampant self-fellating moments. But Noel's no art critic. To quote an actual art critic, the Times' Waldemar Januszczak; he said Channel 4's choice of host was akin to "draping a naked woman across a bonnet to sell a car." That would explain why I kept seeing Noel doing an Alan Partridge inspired lap dance when he repeatedly murmured "it's beautiful" while trying not to look directly at the severed calf.
Januszczak's statement of the obvious enraged Noel, so he asked his Twitter followers to go post all manner of crap/art on the critic's page: "yesterday Times art critic Waldemar januszczak Layed into me on twitter because channel four asked me to interview Damien Hirst x (sic)... I thought it would be fun if me and all my followers went onto his Twitter and insulted him. Just to be childish . x... Teach the horrible snob a lesson x Whose with me? X X X X Fly my beauties fly X X x Ha Ha ha ha x Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha this is gonna be brilliant x x x x x... Ha Ha Ha ha this is a Frankenstein moment. Oh well he shouldnt have been so mean. He was rude as toast x"
Among the posts were the following: "gitface", "poopy pants", "a c**t", "a pedophile rapist", "still a virgin", "a total scum bag", "smelly s**t arse", a "batty crease", "a stuck up piece of s**t", "absolute poo face", "self righteous tw*t" and "made from s**t sperm" with "a face like a hobbit in a headlock".
Januszczak retorted: "Dear Noel Fielding fans, thanks for the laughs. You're hilarious! Noel could learn a lot from you."
