National Television Awards: Winners and Gallery

I actually missed these last night, which is strange considering I do the TV previews. I was consumed by making dinner for approximately two hours, followed by Mary Portas's ring collection, and Charlie Brooker's How TV Ruined My Life (at least one of us stayed in to watch the husband's first show, eh Konnie?).

They're repeated tonight, where else but on TV3 (9.00pm), and I might just tune in to see the front of Katherine Kelly's dress, 'cause the back is fiercely exciting. As for the remainder, there was a lot of black to behold. In fact, one of the few people in another hue turned out to be someone who wore nothing but black for a decade. Doesn't clingy green show off a gym bunny body to perfection... Davina's obviously under strict instructions to sell more DVDs. Sadly, she was one of the lone individuals who managed to pull off a colour; several got it rather wrong: Kerry Katona; Lisa Faulkner; Bronagh Waugh (although the fact she covered up this year is a bonus); Alexandra Fletcher; Vicky Bins; Gillian McKeith; Christine Bleakley; Cheryl Fergison (bit too Club Tropicana); and the pair of pseudo lesbians from Corrie who look en route to a community depiction of Caligula. Come to think of it, so does Tess Daly.

Apart from the abundance of black (Helen Flanagan; Sapphire Elia; Caroline Flack; Bunni Mojekuw; Diane Parish; Gillian Wright; Jorgie Porter; Lacey Turner; Susanne Shaw; Emma Bunton; Heidi Range; Gizzi Erskine; Zoe Lucker; Chantelle Houghton; this yoke), and the odd bump (they're coming along nicely, Holly and Myleene), the other theme was plunging necklines. Some classy-ish (Stacey Solomon; Alesha Dixon; Jennifer Metcalf; Jessie Wallace). Some not so classy (Holly Quin-Ankrah; Josie Gibson). Some sideage (Cheryl Cole). Some cornea popping (Rita Simons).

Then the tattoos. You might have noticed that Cheryl chose the event to showcase some new body ort, which garnered her top billing in today's Bizarre. It appears to be foliage of some form. Let's take a closer look... Right, I'm no tat expert (we may have a new tattoo outlet directly under our office that blares droning metal from midday daily, but that doesn't make me an oracle on the ort), but that doesn't look finished. It looks like the artist in question went on the nod for a spell and scrawled slightly over what was just meant to be your average "tramp stamp". What? That's what they're called. In short, it makes Kerry Katona's look klassy.

Given there's so many award galleries around this time of year, it can become, dare I say it, mundane? Suddenly you find yourself staring passed the subject and into the background mob - and look who I found lurking there: Amy Winehouse and Sacha Baron Cohen.

Those who also attended include the meerkat from EastEnders; along with the entire cast; Jenny McAlpine; Emma Griffiths; Chris Tarrant and the new model; Peter Andre; Fearne Cotton; Jordan part 154; Michelle Keegan; Wossy's nasal passages; Ashley Slanina-Davies; the rest....