(What could be more mind numbing than writing about I'm a Celebrity? Spending an hour recounting the delights last night held, only for the computer to crash, rendering the fruits of your toil nonexistent. And, before you ask, I was saving the document as it was being typed. And d'you know what the best thing is?! I can hardly remember a word! As soon as the thoughts are purged... they vanish. Just as well, my brain houses enough useless sh*te as it is. The below is [hopefully] what memory sees fit to serve me. It's no where NEAR as good as the original, by the by. Its brilliance was of biblical proportions, I assure you...)

Question: Do they keep sending Nicola on the hunt for the 'Celebrity Chest' 'cause she has a hefty one all her own? Honestly, last night must be at least the third or fourth one she's gone now. She only accompanied Martina on a similar excursion on Sunday night's episode, although she was wrapped up in a jump suit for its duration. Last night was a different ballgame, however, as herself and David Van Day were magically chosen (presumably by the producers) to scrub down a mucky jeep to retrieve numbers for a load of padlocks. As soon as Nicola saw there was water involved, she predictably stripped down to her bikini and set about straddling the bonnet. DVD was quick to follow suit.

Much lathering accompanied with heaving bust shots later, the two chests were hauled back to camp, much to the delight of onlookers. Its contents: a bra made of sweets courtesy of two of the Loose Women. Nicola, motivated by a sugar rush (naturally enough, she blamed the sweets, claiming they nagged her into being ingested), bounded down to the watering hole to impart some interesting news Joe - David's only been winding them all up on purpose! According to Nicola, while she and the DVD were en route to the (other) celebrity chest unaccompanied by cameras, the he had a proposition for her: "David said to me 'Why don't we do a bit of flirting, we're here for the same purpose, the arguments have been good.' He said Joe was favourite to win so let's get on his nerves and gang up on him!"

Well, poor Mickey off EastEnders, who had defended the DVD and the Mallet since their infiltration of camp, was left (more) dumbfounded than usual, only managing to mumble in the Bush Telegraph: "David is manipulizing me". The outrage didn't stop there; Simon kept banging on about "snakes" being tattooed on his arm for that very reason, and Brian appeared to be slightly more animated than usual. The very fact that they were in any way shocked by the revelation that DVD had been antagonising them with intent is a testimony to the basic level of intellect in camp. Luckily for them, the British public are quite fond of basicness (Brian Belo, anyone? I bet he's felt 'manipulized' on many occasions). What the viewers don't seem to like, however, is an ex-police chief playing the martyr. The 50-year-old offered to spend what turned out to be his last night in camp in a cage, filled with rats, so his competitors could enjoy a cooked breakfast the following morning. He admitted after his eviction that he hoped it would curry favour with the voting public. Thankfully, it didn't. In fairness, it wasn't the most gruelling of tasks considering he appeared to be entirely encapsulated in an enlarged rubber envelope for the entire time.

Now that all the main law enforcers have fled the camp, with perhaps the exception of Martina (no one, except Mickey off EastEnders, pays any attention to George), it might be marginally interesting to see how Joe, Nicola, Simon and David fare as the bush mania starts to really set in. Speaking of which; has anyone else noticed how Joe's adopted a jarring thousand-yard stare of late? There's a man on the edge.