So what was Ashley up to while his scorned wife was furiously flashing her crotch at an audience of millions? He was most likely moaning to his mates:

"Ashley is really down. He is almost resigned to the fact that the marriage may be over. It was touch and go last time round (with the hairdresser). Cheryl could quite easily have walked out, but she decided to stay and fight (fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this sham of a marriage *momentarily squats on desk*). It took a long time to get back to normal. But this time Ashley is worried she may not stick around. It doesn't matter what he does, she's been humiliated and heartbroken again. He knows he was lucky to be given a second chance."

That's about all he knows. As for the Chelsea coach, Carlo Ancelotti, it's business as usual, especially in light of the news that players employ team officials to escort shamelessly willing totty to their rooms. Yesterday, he said: "I don't care who my troops go to bed with, but what ideas they wake up with."

Profound, Carlo. Profound. You can be sure they're waking up a little stiff after necking a bottle of wine and mounting a string of mouthy strangers. Surly this type of public scrutiny isn't healthy for team moral or bonding, hmmmm? You might take a leaf out of Sir Alex Ferguson's book, the man famed for dragging a young Ryan Giggs out of parties.