I know. We're all bored of John Mayer's mouth. But, being honest, I find his level of w*nkery astounding, and thus something worth relaying on a particularly comatose Gossip day.
First, he was interviewed by Rolling Stone. Now he's being interviewed by Playboy... where, like any 13-year-old boy, he grossly endorsed the objectification of former conquests. This is what he had to say about Jessica Simpson: "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f***in' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to **** you, I would start selling all my sh*t just to keep ***ing you.'"
Beautiful. From likening an ex to a crack whore, to telling one she's passed it. This is what he had to say of Jennifer Aniston: "There was a rumour that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"
Then things degraded further: "I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me.
Playboy: Because you're 'very'?
Mayer: Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n**ger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, 'I can't really have a hood pass. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'"
Playboy: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.
Mayer: What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's.
Playboy: Do black women throw themselves at you?
Mayer: I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f***in' David Duke c*ck. I'm going to start dating separately from my d*ck."
John Mayer. V-E-R-Y inappropriate. Needless to say, "hood" residents across America were not too happy with his use of the N word, or his nazi wang. So, he issued this apology. On Twitter. Which isn't at all patronising... or intensely incorrect.
"I am sorry that I used the word... It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged."
There's no chance of you intellectualising anything, mate.