Having been around mothers a lot recently; the amount of schedules and paraphernalia which is required for childers is not anything new to me. Then The Mirror trots along containing a list supposedly penned by Madonna; something of a parenting guide for Guy now that Rocco and David have been entrusted in his care for the next week or so.

1) Guy can't introduce the kids to any "new friends".
2) He can't be photographed with them (touching photos of the boys reuniting with Guy can be seen in today's Mirror)
3) Fast food is completely out of the question as they must stick to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet and only drink Kabbalah water.
4) They are not allowed to read newspapers or magazines, nor watch TV or DVDs.
5) All the clothes they wear are to be 100 per cent natural materials.
6) Their toys must be spiritually and ethically sound.
7) When they are out in public their hands must be cleaned with disinfectant spray.
8) Guy must not discuss break-up.
9) Madonna must be able to speak to them three times a day.
10) Bedtime story for David must be from Madge's English Rose books.

I know what you're all thinking: How did Guy have sex with this woman. Which is a bit sick, 'cause we're essentially talking about their kids here, but I'm in complete agreement. 'Guy's Guide to Lovemaking' probably went something like; Guy can only ingest parsley a day before coitus, lest some other repugnant odour bounces off his breath; Guy must be cleaned with disinfectant spray; The only form of pornography allowed are shots of Madonna's Sex book beamed onto the bedroom wall; Their toys must be spiritually and ethically sound; Madonna must be able to tell Guy what he's doing wrong three times during blah, and so on. God, it must've been exhausting.

But back to the kiddies. No wonder Rocco flung himself into his father's arms in Gatwick Airport - when he looks at Guy he probably sees a big, friendly burger, with fluffy French fries for arms and legs.