Some of Madonna's not-so-quick off the mark bodyguards wrestled an alleged stalker to the ground in her £10million London mansion. 29-year-old Grzegorz Matlok (I've had the theme tune in my head since first reading it... you're welcome) was found inside the ten-bed Georgian townhouse at 5.30am on Saturday, according to The Sun, and is believed to have climbed in after smashing a side window.

Madonna was over in the US following the death of her grandmother but her security team reportedly told police who arrested Polish-born Matlok that he had stalked her before. Speaking about the break-in, a senior police source told The Sun, "Something dreadful has happened here. The security around the world's most famous pop star should be impregnable." Matlok, of no fixed address - and who was found "clutching some of Madonna's possessions" - has been charged with burglary and is due to appear before Westminster magistrates today.

Hang about, GRANDMOTHER?! That's amazing. Imagine being 52-year-old and still having a grandmother knocking about. No wonder Madonna still acts like a teenager at times. In saying that though, said grandmother was more like a mum to her - apparently Elsie "helped raise five-year-old Madonna and her five siblings" after their mother died of cancer. She died aged 99. Impressive innings. If history repeats itself, Madonna will still be tottering about in her spandex for another forty years. What luck.