Speaking "exclusively to The Mirror", while providing an almost comedic 'pensive pose' for their photographer, Louis has come across with the facts from that fateful and possibly partially fabricated night back in April... For added effect, employ an suitably overanimated voice in your head nnnnnnnnOW (if you're having difficulty, just go with the italics)

"I'm deeeevastated by the completely unfounded and malicious allegations. Anyone who knows me knows this is all a pack of liiies. It's huuurtful someone can do this and think they can get away with it. This guy is a complete chancer and talking a load of utter rubbish, just trying to make a quick buck for himself, I guess. I don't even know who this guy is, just that he's a sick, naaasty person trying to destroy my good name. It's disgraaaceful but what he doesn't realise is the potentially devastating effect this has on my family (i.e. the mammy). It's not fair on them, it's really not. They're going through hell, just as my friends are. It simply isn't fair and I don't know why he is doing this to me, I really don't. When I found out, I was stuuunned and it really was the worst night of my life. I haven't slept at aaall. But I'm keeping my head up and staying proooud - I have done aaaabsolutely nothing wrong and this will become clear. If there is a positive to emerge from this mess it’s the overwheeelming support I've had from friends, family, the general public and those in the public eye (Elton John and the likes). It really has been increeedible and I feel genuinely touched and overwhelmed. I'd also like to thank eeeveryone for their support and kind words - it means a lot. Siiiiimon has been in touch and has been amazing (he's "backing Louis 100%"). It's at times like these you need good frieeends and you truly realiiiiise who your friends aaaaare. I'm going to fight every step of the way to clear my name. I did aaaaabsolutely nothing that night and there is no foundaaaation to these allegations at all. I have lawyers, witnesses and everything in place to fight this. I will 100% clear my name over this. I want to set the record straight and stand up to this. I woooon't allow my name to be blaaackened like this."

Where are you going? There's more:

"Westlife were there - Shane Filan sat with me the entiiiiire evening and we had a great night. He witnessed how I behaaaved, the whole band did, and there was nothing untoward at all. We just had a great night after their cooooncert and we were together for the evening. We were just relaxing and having fun after their coooncert in Dublin earlier in the evening. It's just really upsetting to be honest. I'm only huuuuman and it's lies, lies, lies. That's the truth."

If that weren't enough to clear his name, a random source also felt the need to pitch into the interview, saying: "This guy actually started telling certain members of the band that evening that he wanted to do a big reality TV show and was being lined up for some. The impression they all got was that he was desperate for fame and recognition. He seemed really captivated by the whole showbiz scene and wanted to be a star himself."

In which case said "24-year-old single father" probably presented his crotch on various soap dishes perched throughout Krystle's jacks. Yep, that's the only explanation for it.

In all seriousssnsnenss though; Walsh can't act for sh*te, so he's clearly telling the truth. Now, can we move on please? Two days of "Louis Walsh", "crotches" and "toilets" being bundled together is enough unnerving mental imagery for this hack.