Tis a veritable Gossip dust bowl out there today - with nought but snippets of Mel Gibson, Jordan/Alex and Charlie Sheen twirling aimlessly about. I might get to those formulaic tosh in a bit; firstly, however, I've found myself drawn to Louie Spence sheering men's arses. Yep, a (very) detailed look at the Spence's grooming habits is more alluring, nevermind press, than the Jordan "saga."

That photo I just subjected you to was tame. At this point, I'm obliged to advise you that these photos are not for the feeble. Or for those eating their lunch. You should really endeavour to avoid shots like this if said lunch involves baps of any kinds. In fact, anything that has a opening with foliage springing forth. Apologies, I can't be any more specific than that.

Here's Louis on yesterday's edition of This Morning, ploughing through what appears to be a family friendly "back, sack and crack" segment, with Ben Sheppard and Holly Willoughbumps dutifully looking on. Indeed, the producers gave Louis access to five exceedingly hairy arses and let him work his magic on them.

This man let Louis use a depilatory cream on his arse cheeks. I'm not sure what he's doing here, but it looks like the administration of some red lippy? While this man let Louis shave his arse (presumably before he agreed to some lasering, otherwise he's going to end up with one angry thatch on his bottom. In the event this wasn't a portable laser, it's an epilator with a guiding light... in which case - you poor, poor b*st*rd). Finally, we have a man who let Louis wax his cheeks; believe it or not, this is probably the best method if you're considering going down that route. Which might be a good idea. 'Cause everyone's doing it now, you know, you can't get away with hiding an angry badger in your pants anymore. It's not acceptable now that the giant of midmorning TV has spoken.

Welcome to a world of pain. Followed by itchiness.