Five papers, all with four page spreads... all pretty much saying the same thing. You shouldn't have to read all of them like I just have, so here's what it took 20 pages of blurry print to say:
Ronan and Yvonne fell madly in love after meeting in 1996. They never left each other's side when in one another's company. Ronan sang entire concerts to Yvonne when she was in the audience. He brought his family with him when abroad, turning "every singing job into a holiday getaway for the entire family." He couldn't "imagine life without her... My wife is everything to me. She's my rock, the love of my life. I'm very lucky." She called him "the father of my children, the shoulder I lean on and my best friend." They were the enduring showbiz couple. Theeeeeen he got ripped in the gym, got himself another phone, started staying away more and has been linked to a blonde dancer who - indeed, it gets more clichéd - looks like Yvonne... "when she was younger." Yvonne is 36.
Now, this here blonde with her limbs wrapped around Ronan is probably not the woman in question, but it's the picture most papers have chosen to go with regardless. According to The Irish Daily Mirror (who went with the inspired headline of 'Ronan Cheating'): "Ronan, 33, is said to have been having an affair with a dancer who was part of his recent solo world tour. It is not known her identity but she is set to sell her story to the highest bidder."
Of course she is. Good LORD, this is formulaically humdrum and universally sad. One would almost wish the Brian Kennedy rumours were true. Aaaaanyway. The Irish Daily Star insinuate the couple could get back together (they've quoted Louis Walsh saying "I know nothing about this but hopefully it is temporary. They could still get back together"), while the Irish Daily Mirror - based on the fact that Ronan was whisked away from his Malahidian home, along with three of his suitcases, at 8.15pm last night while Yvonne was being comforted by tea and Keith Duffy's wife Lisa - say the marriage is over for good.
Ronan, who just so happens to be peddling the single from the new Boyzone album, has been banging on about how super his marriage is during their promotional interviews. For example, on 2FM's 'Colm and Lucy Show' (you're not about to be replaced, Gerry, rest easy), Ronan spoke of his plans to herd his entire family to Australia so he can be a judge on the Australian X Factor: "I'm in a hotel at the moment (cause she kicked me out, but no one knows yet) but hopefully I'll get an apartment or a house for Yvonne and the kids. I would like to have a garden and a bit of space for them. It's going to be crazy but really exciting." As are most scenarios that never make it beyond one's head.
He wasn't as positive during his appearances on Loose Women and GMTV, however. According to The Irish Daily Star, when Kate Thornton "quizzed him on who wore the trousers in their lavish home, he said: "There are decisions that I have to make, and I make, but with things like groceries I'm not that bothered." Nice. When Coleen Nolan started muscling in on the action, insisting he couldn't cope without Yvonne, he said: "Erm, probably." Then, with the hens growing angry, he copped on, saying: "No, course I couldn't, absolutely not."
A source speaking to The Irish Daily Mirror said Ronan was in good form at the beginning of the week in London, "then suddenly around Wednesday evening, he changed. It was as if he had just gotten a call about something he wasn't expecting." The Sun, meanwhile, report Ronan was aware everything was going tits up from earlier in the week and put a "brave face" on for the band's UK interviews. This is what the British version of the paper has to say:
"A band source said: 'Ronan left home on Monday after Yvonne asked him to leave. There was lots of arguing again on Tuesday over everything from rumours about other women to his upcoming work in Australia and they decided to split. Telling the kids was heartbreaking. They were both just devastated and never thought it would happen. Custody and things like that have not been talked about yet, it's just too raw'... Ex-model Yvonne, 36, broke the news to son Jack, 11, and daughters Marie, nine, and four-year-old Ali at home in Malahide, Dublin. Meanwhile Ronan flew to London to perform Boyzone's latest single Love Is A Hurricane (plug, plug, plug, every cloud, etc) on TV. He tried desperately to hide his pain as he spoke in an interview of family life. He wore his wedding ring as he told GMTV host Lorraine Kelly about his band's tour and his new role on X Factor in Australia... On Wednesday he appeared on ITV's Loose Women and talked about being a good husband. But the band source revealed he was breaking up inside as he grinned and answered questions. He said: 'Ronan wanted to be professional and go out there to do his job. He was never going to announce it on national television. When the questions were put to him, he just answered them normally. But behind the scenes, everything was falling apart. Ronan had to do that interview knowing the split announcement was coming. He'd already told the other Boyzone lads who were really upset'..."
"Another friend said the announcement was a 'bolt out of the blue' - adding: 'Something very serious must have happened. Everyone, including Yvonne, had thought they would last forever'."
All t'gether now: Life iiiisssh a roowllercoaaashter, ye jusht hefftah RIIIIIIIHHHDE it...