The following is a dramatic reenactment of the break-up of Peter Andre and Katie Price, much like you might have seen on the BBC show '999' all those years ago. It may help to read this aloud in the voice of Michael Buerk.

Picture the scene: Peter Andre is doing the ironing while surreptitiously whistling the tune of Mysterious Girl to himself. Katie Price is fluttering about, trying to find the correct auburn top to match her mahogany skin. She's top-heavy, but adept at maintaining balance, whether heeled or not. An admirable trait.

"Oi, Pete…", she shrieks. "Where's my fake tan? Have you been using it again?"

Andre sighs. "Babes, I'm from Greece…or Cyprus…or something. This tone is natural."

"Youuuuu're lying! You stole it, innit!"

"Let's break up", retorts Pete.

"You're 'avin a laaaaaugh, mate!"


Spats like this appear to have been somewhat of a common occurrence in the stormy relationship of Katie Price and Peter Andre. The Mirror quoted a 'friend' as saying that "When Peter insisted it really was over, she thought he was playing a joke."

"She honestly thought he was just kidding. They'd always had a fiery relationship but the always kissed and made up. Katie presumed it would blow over like it normally did".

I guess not. The next logical step? Locate the nearest cage fighter and commence seduction.

-John Balfe