Often times, I sit alone and think "If only I had a million quid. My life would be so much different. Pay off the mortgage (and the rest). Take a few months off after (being lucky enough to say I've been) working full time for the last 14 years straight. Give a load to Cancer research. Bring the family on holiday… Or spend it all on retracing Kate Middleton's last few days as a commoner in the Goring Hotel..." Actually it'd be more than €1million - they're after Sterling.

It was reported in the Telegraph recently that the Goring Hotel are offering a Diamond Jubilee package which amounts to £1million. A spokesperson for the hotel told Tim Walker: "We understand it is a niche product, as it is definitely the most luxurious Diamond Jubilee package on the market. It hasn’t gone on sale just yet, but we think it will be of interest to customers." Senseless customers, with more money than soul?

Walker reports: "The package includes four nights in the Royal Suite, where Kate spent her last night as a commoner; a reception on arrival with vintage Cristal champagne; a specially created Jubilee dinner; the use of a chauffeur-driven Bentley; a horse-and-carriage ride retracing the Queen’s original Coronation route; and an afternoon tea for two. Although the highlight of the package is perhaps a bespoke diamond ring from De Beers."

AND afternoon tea for two, you say? BARGAIN! And, what's that? This package will SAVE me money? Where do I sign up??!

"You definitely save money with the package," the spokesman says. "The ring itself is worth £1 million, so, with additional services like the horse and carriage and chauffeur-driven Bentley, you get more than your money's worth." If that's the worth you give money. Although, I might reconsider if it involved the horse driving the Bentley round the Royal Suite, while I enjoy my afternoon tea with my grossly overpriced finger bauble.

Alternatively, if you're not into horse rides, diamond rings, or afternoon tea that costs approximately £10k, you could always hire out the entire 71-room hotel for £85k instead, which would save you a fair whack.

Or, if you don't have such money to squander, you could "make do with the hotel's Diamond Jubilee cocktail - at £120 a glass. 'The 1952' is based on a royal favourite - a gin martini with a dash of Noilly Prat (indeed) vermouth. Drinkers are allowed to keep the Swarovski glass in which the cocktail is served."

Or you could just save the €150 for the installation of your water meter, or the new house tax, or on your car if it gets clamped. Cocktail, anyone?