According to sources, John Mayer masturbates to deal with life's little problems. That gives a whole new perspective to the term "taking things head on."
The musician finds pleasuring himself is the only way he can get through stressful periods. John spends so much time masturbating, he often upsets his friends by disappearing when he is with them, or refusing to answer their calls. However, he denies he does it to satisfy his sexual appetite, insisting the process helps clear his mind. Be warned, this doesn't make for pleasant reading.
“I am the new generation of masturbator. I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt h*les than a proctologist does in a week… I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life,” he revealed in an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine?! My GOD they'll print anything these days.
He continues: "The phone doesn’t pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100% agreeable with itself.”
Unsurprisingly, his unsuccessful track record in love has left him too scared to find a new partner, so he is currently only interested in sleeping with his former flames. This is what he had to say of his break up with Jennifer Aniston:
"I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I've had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f***ing fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.' All I want to do now is f*** the girls I've already f***ed (romantic), because I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I’d be interested in them, and they're going, 'But you're John Mayer!' So I'm going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else."
Sorry. How did Jennifer Aniston endure this level of tw*tishness for over a year? Although he does know he talks an unmerciful amount of drivel, if this drivel is anything to go by:
"As much as I goof around, as much as I sound insincere, I'm actually just sincere but extremely nervous and with a whole bunch of defence mechanisms. So whenever you read something that's a goofy statement, that's just me being sensitive but tucking it behind a whole bunch of layers and bullshit."
Or w*nk, in this case.